I have
determined that my best days lie ahead, in this world and the next. A challenge
‘cause in so many ways my life has already been wonderful, though marred with
some pretty serious hurdles… yeah, dealing with long term ill health and
bereavement is always gonna be tough. But no matter, my God is greater than any
difficulty set before me and in him I have absolute confidence; walking through
palliative care with my once teenage sweetheart would have been soul destroying
without the Lord! Change is not exactly easy though and adjusting to my new
reality, after almost 40 years in a relationship, is always going to be at
least a little confusing. There’s no guide book that I’ve come across to
explain how to live as a middle aged widower. It really is not at all easy
relating to my previous peer group, who are basically all married and enjoying
their own long term relationships. Without exception they are all incredibly
caring, supportive and all the rest of it. It’s just that they are married and
I’m not, that’s all. A continual reminder of what I have lost. I really need a
new way of seeing things, a new vision for life and hopefully new friends to
share that journey with me. As I say though, I don’t have a guide book, so it’s
make it up as you go along time for Dave.
My picture
taken on a recent visit to my favourite beach, in Deal, demonstrates the
unsightly brute force needed to provide effective sea-defences. Transporting
many thousands of tons of shingle from the Isle of Wight, and rock from Norway,
was quite an undertaking. The process was ugly in the happening to say the
least, but necessary. Changing the profile of a mile long beach was for sure
quite a task, but without this work the whole town lived with the risk of
severe flooding. I have to change my profile. Yeah no way can I stand still,
living with the ever present threat of my own flood of tears! Ongoing grief is
disturbing my health, which in turn affects my freedom to ‘get out there’ and
meet new people. I missed a great evening a week or so ago when my daughter
performed her own songs, as a supporting act, at the Malt Cross in Nottingham.
I was so disappointed not to have been well enough, hopefully next time though
as she’s been invited back! Yeh, that’s my little incentive to start digging
for gold again. And I’ve been reminded of a simple technique to side step
grief… if I allow myself to think on Jane and ‘remember’ stuff I pretty much
always get upset. That’s healthy, but only up to a point ‘cause I reckon it’s
time to move on. I’ve cried myself silly for almost 18 months. That’s enough!
All I have to do now is stop thinking about Jane, not easy when love was so
fulfilled, and I almost feel guilty about turning aside from my so very
faithful wife. I protected my marriage with the fiercest determination and
struggle to let it go now. Of course it’s totally wrong to think and live like
that now; our love is destined to last through eternity and I’m not in that
place just yet. Got to get tough with my thinking, I have to lock such thoughts
away or I’ll become trapped in the past, living with only hope for the future…
and no love for today. Yes my God is a God of love… he can fill my heart with a
joyful love of life, a caring love for others and who knows what else?
I guess the
best way to change is by more fully engaging with the present whilst walking
into my wonderful unexplored future. So methinks if I were to practice guitar, and
song write a little more, maybe I could get to play at some of these great
venues… not really one of my better ideas, but who knows, and the village hall
is excitement enough for now!
1 John 4:8 ‘But
anyone who does not love does not know God, for God is love.’ (NLT)
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