9th March Chemo Day 16

A really difficult night left us feeling quite low almost defeated. But not quite. I sat down this morning for breakfast asking myself ‘where is God?’ and then feeling quite deserted I wondered how long must we endure such tortured circumstances. Instantly I realised that there are so many who are in a far worse situation than us and felt a little guilty about my self-centredness. We are surrounded by loving caring friends and family, we have each other and so many who suffer have none of this. But that still left me with the question ‘where is God... has he deserted us?’ You see I absolutely believe in the goodness of God and yet I really did not feel favoured indeed I felt a little empty as though God had left me. So I quietened my thoughts and looked deep within to consider my true feelings and found love. Yes my heart cries out with love for God; no matter what this world may throw across my path I cannot deny that all my hope and trust is in Jesus Christ. He is my Saviour, my Redeemer, my Healer, my Provider and so much more. And then I realised that my love for God could not possibly be, without the simple fact that God first loved me! He has not deserted us, he cannot desert us. The love that fills my heart is ample evidence of that, so despite the daily torture of ill health and despite not understanding the continuing ordeal I know that God is with us and for us and one day in one way or another will restore us.

Despite the difficult night and I have to say somewhat surprisingly Jane has had a really good day. Until late afternoon she hardly coughed at all and even felt strong enough to venture out to purchase a cross-stitching kit to occupy herself creatively. We have to live with hope and persevere through whatever trials are set before us. This evening her cough is problematic once again… it’s so hard to work out what might be done practically to help her. In a very real way prayer and faith in God are our only hope. Medicine has real but limited and incomplete resources… science still has many mysteries to unravel.

Romans 8v38-39 ‘For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.’ (NIV)