18th October

I suppose it’s an age thing. Feeling the cold. When I was younger I would welcome the break in weather as we moved closer towards winter. The darkening and usually damp evenings gave the house a nice warm dry feeling, something to look forward to at the end of a long working day. And the weeds, lawn and hedges all began to slow their relentless growth, which lightened my workload as I have an oversized garden.  I always felt that in winter I could wrap up or turn the heating higher whereas in summer there was no escape from the heat and I loved the snow anyway. But this evening I just feel chilled and I want the sun back. More than that I think I’m now a sun lover and could happily live in a sunny climate all year round. So then the hottest October on record has left me feeling rather spoilt, but it’s quite clear the season’s on the change and there’s no going back.

The season of my life whilst caring for Jane on her cancer journey was the most intense imaginable. For several years I gave her my undivided attention, stepping out of all other responsibilities and prioritising her needs and desires over everything. Whilst I lived with hope and persevered in seeking the Lord with every possible effort I determined to give myself to her for whatever she wanted. So with very few exceptions I acquiesced to her every whim and actually 2010 was a happy and very healthy year for Jane, despite the stress of difficult results and treatment decisions. But this became increasingly challenging and her final weekend I reached my physical and emotional limit when I was forced to stay continuously awake for almost 3 days dealing with all manner of medical interventions. But I did it and feel so grateful to God for his strength at that time.

Both Jane and I at times over the past 3 or 4 years began to grieve together for the threatened loss of her life. She would cry out to God asking that we would not be separated as we were truly and completely one. But from last November when she determinedly went sledging with grandchildren whilst coughing up blood it was obvious her time was limited. We persevered in asking God for his mercy, reaching out for prayer, but both knew for sure that there was no real medical hope of more than a short extension of life. She needed a miracle, and actually got one. The greatest miracle of all… an entry pass to heaven and the presence of Jesus for all eternity. But that leaves me alone and with a new season of life to walk through. My season of grief.

 My shed last winter.

And right now my life feels rather overcast, the days are short and for sure a chill is in the air. Maybe a little fog. But I'll have my eyes open for the first sign of spring, once winter's run it's course new life will burst out of the hardened ground. Snowdrops, Crocus, Daffodils and Tulips are but the forerunner to a splendid summer of sunshine and beauty with the promise of a bountiful harvest to follow. I’m so glad my God is a God of seasons. And winter's on the way.

Genesis 8:22 ‘As long as the earth remains, there will be planting and harvest, cold and heat, summer and winter, day and night.’ (NLT)