1st October

Well that didn’t work did it? For a few days I’ve pushed myself, by ignoring my health, to tackle a tiny little painting job whilst continuing with the normal household chores, and so today I’m feeling totally exhausted, slightly dizzy and basically ready to collapse. But it’s only M.E. and I’m well used to dealing with it, so after a day or two of rest I’ll pick up again hopefully. The whole thing is really annoying; I have to find a way of moving on but after 12 years that’s a challenge, though not impossible. I’m an eternal optimist, always hopeful, but whilst walking towards my healing I need to regain discipline in my activity management so that I can function at least partially normally. I’ve always determined that whilst I’m ill I will live as normally as possible, so basically that means I’ve continued doing the same things I’ve always done… only in smaller measures. And I need to completely side step any activity that’s remotely stressful, which is my real problem at the moment. Everything is stressful whilst I’m living with grief.

I feel a little muddled today and a bit sad, so I certainly don’t feel inspired as I write. This Thursday is my wedding anniversary and that’s pretty horrible to even think about. The sad thing is that, in common with all good marriages, you become dependent upon one another for all sorts of things.  I know I’ve had a lot to think about this last year but there are some memories that I cannot accurately recall, and normally I’d ask Jane, but she’s not here anymore and so it seems some of my past is going to get lost forever. For sure it’s not important but I can’t remember how we celebrated our wedding anniversary last year and that is upsetting. I seem to remember finding an organic vegetarian restaurant in Nottingham to fit our then strict dietary requirements… but maybe not October 6^th. And one time we went to Tate Liverpool, spending a lovely day around the Albert Docks, but I can’t remember if it was last year or the year before. Oh dear…

And here’s another glimpse into my world… this is my shed which was an outdoor office come art studio and is now a storage area for Jane’s mum’s furniture. My one and only extra job for the day was replenishing the near empty bird feeder! And I feel just like the bird feeder… almost completely empty. I need my life filling again with the goodness of God. My shed had no hanging baskets this summer either and maybe the Lord will soon adorn my life with his beauty once again. He is my only hope; in him I put my trust and his purpose I will seek for the rest of my days.

Acts 2:28 ‘You have shown me the way of life, and you will fill me with the joy of your presence.’ (NLT)