Wednesday, February 15, 2012

15th February

Not quite sure where I'm going wrong but today’s been a bit of a downer as I just feel absolutely exhausted, very weak and a little dizzy again. The frustrating thing is I reckon I had the best night’s sleep in a very long time, a good 8 hours without waking for a minute and yet I still felt exhausted when I got up. I've not been particularly upset thinking of Jane either, just the normal underlying sadness. Chronic Fatigue Syndrome is a rubbish condition to deal with whilst walking through the challenge of bereavement. I refuse to give up though and will persevere in my determination to somehow climb out of ill health. So today I visited my usual woodland trail and squelched my way around a very muddy track. It was so much easier and cleaner in the snow last week as I now have to hose myself down at the garden tap again. Waterproof trousers and hiking boots are great! The right tools for the job as it were.

So then what ‘tools’ do I need to rebuild my life? I’m not sure if I should ever describe my faith journey as a tool, but that’s picture language for you, and yes, the Lord has to be central in every way to all that I am and do. That’s who I am and that’s who I want to be… a man of God. Unfortunately that’s a work in progress and always will be as I’ve got a long way to go. But I do have to trust that the Lord accepts me as I am and really that’s the starting point of every Christian journey, and still works well for me after 30 years as a believer. And with that understanding come certain non-negotiables such as prayer, living with the Bible as a handbook to life and belonging to a Church. All three have challenges in different ways but I can’t see how you can truly walk with God and not have them in your life.

But what else? My family is right up there at the top of any list as well. I couldn’t imagine living without having them within easy reach they’re so important. Especially at the moment. And whilst I suppose there are a number of trusted friends with whom I’m happy to share all manner of private thoughts and questions, truth be told I’m a bit of a loner. But I’m pretty much sharing the whole of my life in this blog so I guess I’m not really that much of a private person. Just a lonely one without a social life anymore. So why did God have to make women so attractive? Not just physically although that’s always something to be careful about focussing on, it’s more that I miss their company. Having been brought up with four younger sisters and raised three daughters myself I’ve always been surrounded by females. So now there’s me and my adult son home alone and it feels strange to say the least. At least he doesn’t watch football so I’ve succeeded at something as he grew up! Ok I suppose what I’m really trying to say is that my life doesn’t feel right without a woman to share it with, and that’s a pretty big ‘ingredient’ that’s missing. I feel completely lost.

Luke 19:10 ‘For the Son of Man came to seek and save those who are lost.’ (NLT)

No comments: