Wednesday, February 01, 2012

1st February

Not sure what happened today. Of course I could list the non-events of the day, but it’s more to do with how I feel. And it ‘feels’ like it didn’t go very well, in the sense that it could have been more constructive, rather than simply passing time in as pleasurable way as possible, with a few chores thrown in just to get by. But not a lot gives real pleasure nowadays. Birthday chocs are always good of course. Yes, I was so very tired when I woke first thing and quite unusually slept in until after ten. That’s all right though. It’s allowed. What’s not good is the way I drifted through the rest of the day, simply allowing time to pass in a fairly pointless way. And if activity is not constructive and takes a hold as a pattern, sooner or later it becomes destructive. I cannot just crash out. Not without intent anyway. And today just happened, in a non-thinking sort of way. It’s only one day I know, and I can queue up all the excuses… I’m ill, messed up emotionally, bereaved, unemployed, and all the rest of it. But that’s not good enough. I have to keep fighting to live positively. I refuse to sink into depression, almost like a choice thing. I will not succumb. I have too much to live for. And if I give up on one day why would tomorrow be any different?

I even gave up on my favourite activity, my walk. Very early morning I’d considered swimming but the lie in put paid to that. Then lunchtime came around and it was time to enjoy a walk. And I just couldn’t be bothered, I felt too tired. So I made myself wander along to the local shops, which is a short 15 minute walk away. But fabric conditioner will never put a spring in my step in the way that a stroll through the countryside does. Yes a day of rest may help my poorly body but it does very little for my mind and the frustration that builds up with Chronic Fatigue. Tomorrow will be different…

Ephesians 5:15-17 ‘So be careful how you live. Don’t live like fools, but like those who are wise. Make the most of every opportunity in these evil days. Don’t act thoughtlessly, but understand what the Lord wants you to do.’ (NLT)

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