Tuesday, February 07, 2012

7th February

Well I’ve spent the day just barely keeping the tears at bay. I really can’t be doing with this crying thing for very much longer. I have to move on, and yes I have been saying that for a long time now. But no way do I allow myself to do any more than dabble at the edges of self-pity, I’m gonna keep fighting depression. It’s an ugly way to live and I will have none of it. Well almost none… and I’ve managed to fill my day up to keep me as occupied as possible, which helps. I’ve not driven there, but I reckon my countryside walk is still out of bounds as there’ll be a few inches of snow everywhere. And it’s not really practical to walk far through soft snow so I’ll wait either for a thaw or a deeper freeze. So instead of a walk I went shopping instead. Not just the normal food shop either as I had a book voucher for a birthday gift and decided to go look see in Derby and ended up with a Digital Photo Manual. I’ve always been interested in photography but never got round to improving what little skill I have, and whilst I can see all the tools in my Adobe Elements software it’s always a bit random when I try to use them. Anyway, in her final year Jane and I dabbled at bird-watching on the cliffs at Bempton in Yorkshire and we really enjoyed ourselves ‘shooting’ puffins and the like. I might find it sad, and possibly slightly dangerous on my own, but I’d like to go back there and have another go sometime. In the meantime I’ll read my new book.

So today I delivered Jane’s mum to her church old folks group and again felt so sorry for her. She’s not at all happy living outside of the family environment that we all enjoyed for so many years. Neither am I, but at least I have my son to house share for which I’m grateful. But it’s really not the same. When I left Jane’s mum she was standing at the 1st floor window watching me drive off. I felt as though I’d left her imprisoned in her new life without any possible escape… and I feel trapped in exactly the same way. The woman who cared and looked after us both has gone, and she can’t come back. One day we’ll join her, but that day cannot be hastened as we each have our course to run. And the more time we spend on negative introspection the less time we’re spending fulfilling the call of God upon our lives!

It’s just not helpful focussing upon loss. My closest friend has died, but there is another friend I need to draw even closer to. His name is Jesus. The love of my life has departed this world, but there is one whose love can fill any void. His name is Jesus. My greatest help, one who shared every challenge through many long years has left me alone and very lonely; but there is another I can lean on and share life with, whatever comes my way. And yes, his name is Jesus. Instead of embracing despair and hopelessness, I will reach out to him for love and hope and joy and peace, for he is able to guide my steps into fullness once again.

Luke 4:18-19 ‘The Spirit of the LORD is upon me, for he has anointed me to bring Good News to the poor. He has sent me to proclaim that captives will be released, that the blind will see, that the oppressed will be set free,  and that the time of the LORD’s favour has come.’ (NLT)

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