26th May

So for the first time in many days I had a reasonable night’s sleep, and I’ve begun to eat a little more normally. But it was still just after 5am when I found myself trawling websites seeking to resolve an HTML problem on website tracking… nicely distracting, though 4 hours later I suddenly realised I needed to get moving for the Funeral Parlour appointment. I felt quite good and fairly relaxed until I spotted Jane’s brand new lilac socks just lying around. I’d been chuffed with my prowess at buying her ‘clothes’ on my own and she seemed to appreciate them. Anyway, one glance and the dormant volcano of tears erupted once again. My eldest and her husband had just let themselves in and hearing me bawling with my head stuck in the wardrobe she succumbed to the ever present grief quite easily.

All my kids keep turning up and though the tears certainly flow I reckon that if somehow we could measure the time spent laughing together it would certainly be way more than that spent crying. Tears are a gift from God; expression of grief is a healthy way of processing loss… is there a better way? Can the pain of loss fade simply by ignoring it? Do I really just want my heart to grow cold by denying the true feelings I have? Naaaah! Let’s be a cry baby in a very healthy Godly way.

So once again even my Loughborough daughter travelled to be with us in Derby. Together with her husband - he’s just posted a wonderful tribute on his amazing Bible Film blog http://biblefilms.blogspot.com/2011/05/jane-paine-1954-2011.html - and even my 2 year old grand-son. But he was a little worried about coming knowing that his beloved Nana was not going to be here… And the working party continues to transform my front room, but what shall I use it for? A dining room for family visits? How about a jigsaw room? Too much space… it’s weird, I’ve spent 32 years living here continually trying to cram a quart into a pint pot as they say. We have four children and before Jane’s mum came to stay we had a continual stream of people sleeping over downstairs. Even our first son-in-law lived there for a while before they married trying to save for a house deposit. Then I remembered sitting in the garden the last time Jane was able… we had our friends from the Kilburn church visiting and had a lovely time. Jane and I loved to sit there long into the dark of night listening to the birds, sipping wine, eating supper, entertaining friends. And the volcano erupts again.

Tidying up I picked up a photo album with our wedding photo on the front. 1973 with classic long hair, flares and a very dodgy moustache I looked a real sight! What on earth caused me, a 6 foot tall bloke to wear platform shoes? Jane wore an incredible white, fur trimmed, hooded gown and looked timelessly stunning. She never aged a day. And there was the volcano again as I hugged the photo album.

Psalm 56:8 ‘You keep track of all my sorrows. You have collected all my tears in your bottle. You have recorded each one in your book.’ (NLT)