29th May

So then here we go again… it’s blog time. And this evening I’m finding it difficult to tune in. I’ve just started a first draft of my funeral tribute to Jane. I've got until Monday the 6th so no real rush but how on earth can I describe her 57 years of life on a single sheet of A4? Obviously whatever I say will give only the slightest glimpse of how special she has been to so many people, but I need to say something and am determined to get it right. And I only have this one opportunity in front of all of Jane’s friends and family and want to say something that will properly reflect her life. At the end of the day though the most important thing was Jane’s actual life and not anything I may end up saying.

I went to church today for the first time in ages and it sure felt a little strange having liberty to go out without a sitter and even more so having no Jane to come home to. But I’m getting sort of used to it now and my stay at home son is very caring. He keeps popping in to see me and I guess make sure I’m all right and I do the same for him. I’ve decided the very best place to shed tears is sitting in the bath as it avoids all the salt stains on my specs! And you can’t just block out the memories of the past 40 years… every nook and cranny of my home, every road I drive down, every person I talk to reminds me of Jane and her being there then and not here now. It’s so sad. I have to move on somehow and yet know now is not the time. Even though it is painful I will grieve until I can grieve no more. I have loved and been loved much and will do justice to that tremendous blessing in my life. Jane has gone and that causes me no problem, she’s with the Lord and we will be reunited one day, but today my heart is broken and needs to mend. It will. But no hurry and then I’ll be able to really enjoy the treasured memory of our life together and turn towards reinventing my own as a widower. Not just yet though.

But I have to be honest and say that I’m looking forward to that challenge already. Yes it will be difficult but I have complete confidence that whilst I’m still alive the Lord has a plan for my life and I intend to embrace it. A few years ago when Jane became ill he told me very clearly that the prime call upon my life was quite simply to love and care for Jane… nothing else. I’ve given that my best shot and so for better or worse that has now been fulfilled. One day he will speak again and I intend to be ready to respond. In the meantime I have a funeral to plan and prepare for…

I’ve been wondering about the heavenly host watching over us and whether Jane is given some sort of a glimpse of life back on earth. I don’t really think so but maybe just maybe… so I do need to behave myself don’t I! Perhaps I should take that rug back to Ikea and get the one she would like? No way! She can choose the rugs in our future heavenly home whilst I’ll choose the one’s down here.  

Hebrews 12:1-2 ‘Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a huge crowd of witnesses to the life of faith, let us strip off every weight that slows us down, especially the sin that so easily trips us up. And let us run with endurance the race God has set before us. We do this by keeping our eyes on Jesus, the champion who initiates and perfects our faith.’ (NLT)