12th August

I’m beginning to feel a bit better today, gradually recovering from the M.E. relapse caused by over-activity last week. So this morning I was child-minding again and basically they’re old enough to look after themselves so I just do my own thing in another room. But I feel like I’m not doing enough for them especially compared to Jane’s organising last summer, so come next week I’m going to do the National Trust or English Heritage thing which they seem to enjoy. Nonetheless I got their approval today as I’d been shopping and managed to fluke buying just the right selection of snack food. I’m learning. And this afternoon I managed quite a long woodland walk for the first time since before my holiday and that felt good as it gave me time to think and pray.

Whilst battling not just to save Jane’s life but also to lovingly carry her through her illness I found it easy to cry out to God in prayer. There were certainly times when I ran out of steam and just had to switch off but basically I was in continual prayer for years. Since she died though I reckon I’ve become spiritually numb and whilst I do still pray there has been no real depth or passion. That’s understandable I guess as it’ll be a while yet before I come out of the shock of bereavement. And my emotions are all quite fragile with their focus upon the emptiness in my life. Something changed today though. Whilst out walking I found myself crying out to the Lord for his mercy and favour in my life. In one sense what I was praying for is almost irrelevant, it’s just that I was praying with Godly passion once again.

So what stirred my heart to prayer? An impossible request, the cry of a desperately lonely man needing just one more hug from his wife. It felt as though having just one more hug would give me the strength to persevere through whatever time I have remaining in my life. And there are those who tell the story of a return visit to heaven which I find a little weird but who knows…

2 Corinthians 12:2-4 ‘I know a man in Christ who fourteen years ago was caught up to the third heaven. Whether it was in the body or out of the body I do not know—God knows. And I know that this man—whether in the body or apart from the body I do not know, but God knows— was caught up to paradise and heard inexpressible things, things that no one is permitted to tell.’ (NIV)