26th August

It’s been another day of semi-isolation with my son being at work for most of the day and me having the house to myself. But I did feel the need for some retail therapy so I went out and bought a new weatherproof jacket designed for walkers… which is what I’m becoming. My previous coat was only showerproof, easily becoming waterlogged and I also got really hot walking in it, so decided to buy the proper thing this time. And it worked a treat this afternoon; although it was only drizzling when I was out I remained completely dry and not at all overheated. It’s obvious really and the most basic requirement for any successful activity… we need the right tool for the job.

And I’ve been thinking about dreams again. What are my dreams? What do I hope to achieve in my life? Every dream I’ve had included Jane, and so I’ve realised that I’m struggling to connect my heart to any future purpose or plan. I no longer have a dream or a plan for my life; I don’t know what I should be doing. More than that it struck me that everything I did, I did with the hope and expectation of Jane’s approval and that expectation is so deeply ingrained that I feel quite lost now. Almost everything I do goes completely unnoticed by anyone. Nobody knows or cares whether I do something well or badly. The continual encouragement I’ve lived with for decades has been replaced by pretty much complete silence. Of course I still get to spend some time with my kids and that’s always good but it’s not at all the same as the constant companionship of a loving wife, sharing and either confirming or correcting my every decision.

Obviously this is no way to live and as a man of faith there’s always another way of seeing things… I need the right ‘tool’ for this job. But at the moment the enormity of the challenge of my new life alone and without Jane feels too much to face. I desperately need to meet with the Lord. I need to know his minute by minute presence confirming or correcting my every thought and deed. I must learn to please him and him alone. I need a touch from heaven, the fragrant presence of the Holy Spirit leading me into all wisdom, granting me vision for life and the power to live it. Come Lord Jesus come…

 Proverbs 29:18 ^’Where there is no vision, the people perish’ (KJV)