12th May 2012

Sometimes it may be good to go without, but at others it's very painful and not so good. Yes, I’ve not eaten for 4 days now, not a solid food meal anyway, just tried a slice of toast on a couple of days. And given my ongoing indigestion that’s certainly been a good idea, though not one of life’s richest experiences. I’m fed up sitting about trying to recover health, so though I’m making progress after catching whatever bug it was, it seems rather slow. I started reading a new book early this morning, and come my non-existent lunchtime I’d read the equivalent of a couple of hundred pages. That’s not really a good use of time as, managing CFS, I work rather slowly anyway. The chores are backing up in my home and garden for sure. I’ve had enough milk, energy drinks and soup, thank you very much. I’m ready for fish and chips or a nice curry or whatever… not today though.

Living without food for a few days is no big deal and in a week or so will be completely forgotten. Yes, this past year there have been many, many, far more important things I’m learning to live without. And they all revolve around one person… my wife. I can never tell her I love her again can I? I tried to do that several times every day for many years. It feels weird when I’m out walking not to have her arm looped through mine. Then today I heard of a call to prayer for a 7 year old local lad who has been fighting a very brave cancer battle for the past 4 years. Right now he’s been admitted to hospital and is not expected to survive very much longer… maybe my tears and one line prayers are enough, but I sure miss my wife as prayer partner.

My photo? Of course I miss the very personal invitations to Jane’s occasional art exhibitions. This one was followed with a request to use some in a local wine-bar which earned her a few pounds. But I still have most of these stored safely, though it’s sad to think that there’ll be no more. I managed a very slow walk to the nearby shops this evening and once more struggled to imagine a future without my wife. Every dream, every plan always involved shared activity. I just can’t get my head around doing things by myself, it just doesn’t feel right. I really don’t like it.

Joshua 1:9 ^‘This is my command—be strong and courageous! Do not be afraid or discouraged. For the Lord your God is with you wherever you go.’ (NLT)