17th May 2012

2007

2012

It’s time to say goodbye and move on. I just hope I have the strength to do it; yes my love for Jane burns as fiercely as ever, no matter the passage of almost a year since she died. But there’s nothing to be gained by holding on, she’s gone forever from this life. And now having spent 12 months with tears in my eyes nearly every single day, enough is enough. I just have to find a way to let go, she has no place in my world any more. My love for her has to be locked away permanently, never to see the light of day. Love, every love, needs to be expressed in some way; it has to have focus. And for me that focus has to be towards the living, not the dead. Jane’s legacy is to be seen all around me; in our children, our grandchildren and in who I am as a person. Her influence was massive. Her daily input is ended. I cannot live imagining she’s still with me, encouraging, comforting, rebuking… whatever. This morning my Loughborough daughter phoned for a ‘chat’. Sunday was her husband’s birthday and they went for a picnic with good friend who was close to full term pregnant with her first child. A few hours later the baby had died… a lovely day turned so unexpectedly to tragedy. Where was Jane when such a horrible thing happened? Sorely missed when facing such an upset and I’m not sure if telephone hugs work the same from a dad. We cried together, maybe that was enough. But I cry at just about everything nowadays.

Even 5 years ago, I was rather a different person. I’ve been through things I could never have imagined would happen. Another 5 years and I suppose I’ll be as different again. But my memory of Jane is forever frozen in time. She can never change, in one sense she’ll always be with me but I will change. I have to. 2007 I’d sit with Jane, hold her hand a lot, and have fun. 2012, this evening, I sit alone with my Kindle for company and truth be told my latest sci-fi novel is genuinely laugh out loud at times so I still have fun! But I’m expecting a lot of these next few days as I’m planning to travel to Deal tomorrow, for at least a week this time. I’ll spend time with the Lord, in a way that works for me. I need a different environment, maybe at least say hello to some different people, whatever; I just need to step out of normal life, there’s too much happening at the moment. Too many people dying as well… my daughter’s friend’s baby, then 6 young children apparently killed by petrol bomb as they slept in the night, and finally a well-known brave little 7 year old with cancer. Oh yes, my son has just been told his job will almost certainly be ending within a few weeks. And this lunchtime I broke a tooth… no pain, but no appointment available for a couple of weeks. I need to focus upon the Lord, all this other stuff is too much right now.

Ecclesiastes 3:1 ‘For everything there is a season, a time for every activity under heaven.’ (NLT)