Loneliness was never part of
God’s plan. Even though it was my choice to come away, I’m really struggling just
being on my own. Of course I miss Jane, immensely, but truth be told I’m missing
everyone at the moment. I’ve spoken to absolutely no-one today. Not a word, so
far. And I don’t like it, I feel rather lost; I’m not talking about leaving
home to come here, I know that was the right thing to do, it helps me think. No,
it’s everything I have to face, gaining my new sense of purpose, having to
start all over again without a partner to share life’s pleasures, troubles,
successes and failures. I have no idea what I’ll do without Jane. We were truly
one, sharing absolutely everything together. Yes, I know the Lord is with me,
he’ll direct my paths, but right now I don’t know where he’s taking me. It’s as
though I’m sailing all by myself across the deep blue sea, sails set to catch
the wind, but not totally in control of my immediate destination. I’ve never
been in a boat quite like this before. It’s easiest just to go where the wind
blows, why fight it?
It’s possible the Lord may
show me I should spend more time remembering Jane, that my year out was not
enough. I hope not though as I’ve had enough of feeling upset all the time. She
was the sole focus of my attention for my whole adult life; I loved her so very
much and never had the slightest interest in any other woman. I almost feel
guilty even considering letting her go, saying goodbye to my whole life with
her by my side. But I have to; she’s moved on with her new life, now it’s my
turn. And I need to keep saying that again and again until I get there. I lived
and worked with a great passion for 40 years, building my marriage, raising my
family and serving the church. Today, aside from a few passing tears whenever
the needy cross my path I’m struggling to care very much about anything. I have
no responsibilities, other than as a grandad and parent to adult children. I
have no role in my church, no job… nothing. My life is an open book waiting for
the next page to be written. I can’t wait. Yes, I really can’t live without
something or someone to care about… with Godly passion!
Genesis 2:18 ‘Then the Lord
God said, “It is not good for the man to be alone”’ (NLT)
No comments:
Post a Comment