19th November

I feel horribly alone. And quite wrongly I feel unwanted and un-needed by anyone… that’s a lie and a deception from some dark place, I know, but nonetheless that’s how I feel. I came away to escape from everything so why should I be surprised at such thoughts? But my home is filled with memories of life with Jane and I just had to take a breather. It seems that everything I see and everything I do reminds me of the life I’ve lost, I hate being a single man, I was born to love and care for my wife. That was God’s call upon my life, and now it’s not, I have nothing to do any more. No one needs my love, not as a husband anyway. And pretty much I feel as though nobody wants anything I have to offer. Now the weekend campers have arrived and the site has filled up again, so for most of the day children have been playing in the play area, and the memories come flooding back of Jane’s limitless patience. Pushing young children on swings until they wanted to stop… she never would! Out of season campers are often retired, and they’re mostly old couples still enjoying life together… and that’s all I really wanted out of life. Just to serve the Lord with my wife by my side until I grew old. There’s always a few older singles around on campsites at this time of year. I can see one tired middle aged man looking like he’s way overdue for a haircut and wearing rather creased clothes and muddy boots, buying a newspaper that he’s not going to read, and a portion of chips that are most unhealthy and taste foul. Somehow I have to see myself differently I know. I am a child of God, chosen for his good purpose, more than a conqueror, destined for eternity to honour the Lord.

Ok I’m depressed and that’s not helpful. Or healthy, I’ve just been reading about the dangers of ill health or worse suffered by the recently bereaved. Stress pains are a problem I used to suffer from regularly some decades ago; and this last year or two, including this evening, I’ve noticed just a hint again. I wonder if it’s possible to at least take a break from grieving, I think I have to. There’s no rule that says it has to last for years, maybe 6 months is premature but I really need to start having some fun again. I’ll have to get out of the house more when I return home. The joy of the Lord should be my strength. But keeping hold of his peace is the challenge of the day. Somehow I’ve lost my focus; I need to see my life as God sees it. I’ll travel home tomorrow morning and make one more effort to be positive and strong. I will get through this, don’t know how though... but God does.

I reckon a long cold drink of pressed fruit juice and a nice piece of Walnut Cake will take away the memory of those terrible chips… maybe the chest pains were just indigestion!

Ephesians 2:6 ‘And God raised us up with Christ and seated us with him in the heavenly realms in Christ Jesus’ (NIV)