7th November

Ah well, back to the challenge of the downward slide into grief again. I can feel myself slipping into thinking about Jane more and more through the day, and that’s impossibly upsetting. I know the journey works like this, up and down emotionally for a while yet, but I just have to hope it’ll begin to level out soon as it’s not much fun feeling so low for days at a time. Part of my problem is due to feeling so exhausted all the time with Chronic Fatigue and that is made worse with the shorter days and lack of sunshine. I’ve restarted my vitamin supplements but I’m not convinced they do anything at all, though I have to try and look after myself in that way. I’ve noticed quite consistently over the years that about this time of year my ill health begins to worsen and every year I try and stand against it. At the moment I’m working on a pacing programme, seeking to manage my exercise routine as carefully as possible. So the plan is to continue my 3 mile walk maybe every other day through the winter, dependent upon the severity of the weather. That’s why I kitted myself out with the proper gear. And I hope to start swimming again on the alternate days. I went, for the first time in years, one day last week and was pleasantly surprised to be able to manage 22 lengths without any real effort. So the plan is that I’ll try and build up to maybe half a mile, which should give a good half hour of aerobic exercise and that should take my fitness levels back up a notch or two. The last few years have been intensely stressful and I’ve found exercise to be the best way to alleviate that problem. It’s a plan… let’s see what happens.

I helped my daughter out with retrieving her artwork from Nottingham Castle Art Gallery this morning. And that was a bit of a trek with two or three hours of driving as my good deed for the day; but it was nice to have my daughter to myself for the journey. We’re both still a little sad though. But being young and having small children there’s plenty to keep her occupied. Alongside running an evening art class, she works for a charity that works with asylum seekers and is seeking to engage with those affected by human trafficking. Her husband is a church relationships co-ordinator at Church Urban Fund and I reckon they’re both fully occupied in ‘making a difference’ with the needy in our society. And that’s what I need to be doing… becoming fully occupied with something meaningful that fits my abilities. I was a little challenged in another area though. My daughter is a great musician and has quite a collection of different instruments now, including guitar, ukulele, a set of whistles, and I think a bodhran amongst her percussive instruments. She belongs to some sort of folk group that I have yet to hear play. So for her recent birthday she had a xylophone and now she’s been offered a clarinet. She has a fantastic voice and regularly writes music as well. I’m not jealous, really! But then I thought about the keyboard I was given a couple of years ago and had to put on one side whilst I cared for Jane, so before long I’ll have to set it up and go back to being a raw beginner on a new instrument myself. That’ll do me good… a new start doing something different.

Psalm 150

Praise the LORD.

Praise God in his sanctuary; praise him in his mighty heavens.

Praise him for his acts of power;

   praise him for his surpassing greatness.

Praise him with the sounding of the trumpet,

   praise him with the harp and lyre, 

   praise him with timbrel and dancing,

   praise him with the strings and pipe,

   praise him with the clash of cymbals,

   praise him with resounding cymbals.

Let everything that has breath praise the LORD.

Praise the LORD.’ (NIV)