29th November

It’s been a very quiet day again. The normal chores, a little decorating and my good deed of delivering Jane’s mum to her old folks group. That’s about it. So why do I have to have a headache? I’m managing my activity levels very carefully, I’m trying to engage with a pacing program using swimming and walking, and still I feel ill with Chronic Fatigue Syndrome. No matter how hard I work at it I can’t seem to make real progress. The only thing that has consistently helped over the years has been spending a lot of time outdoors in the sunshine. And that’s in short measure at this time of year; it’s been rather gloomy all day! Maybe that’s just how I see things, although relatively speaking I don’t feel too bad, so that’s something to be grateful for.

Everything within me wants to tackle my ill health and also my bereavement journey head on. I’m ready to leave this stage of life behind. I’d love to get back to work; find a job to earn a few pounds maybe, but more likely engage with voluntary work again. Either which way I need to meet people and do something useful, I’m really not suited to spending so much time on my own. But every time I push myself I just get more and more ill… CFS is a rubbish condition. I only recover with complete inactivity and that’s no way to live for long! So I measure activity and stop before I’ve done too much, and that works up to a point. But my plan at the moment is to gradually increase exercise, mostly swimming, and get as fit as possible. Because of my health I get free swimming at the pool so I’ve got no excuse, two or three visits a week should be good enough I reckon.

But striving towards recovery wouldn’t help. It would just cause tension and any stress is a big no-no for CFS sufferers. So my real focus is the Lord, embracing his peace and entering into his rest. I have to trust that at the right time he will restore my health. The NHS has no real answer… tranquilizers, cognitive behaviour therapy, pacing, activity management and the like. I’ve done all that and indeed continue to work with all bar the pills but I’m still ill. So I’m in God’s hands for sure and there’s nowhere I would rather be. I’m asking him for opportunity to serve once again but without Jane I already feel stretched. She looked after me wonderfully for many years with gentle encouragement and making the house nice. I mended and made things, she cooked and cleaned, though I did fight for control of the hoover whenever she got it out. I just never thought to get it out in the first place. I do now though and I never realised how much she did until she had to stop. Which is exactly what I have to keep doing…

Hebrews 4:6 ‘So God’s rest is there for people to enter’ (NLT)