5th November

I feel fairly good today.  A lunchtime visit from my daughter and family always brightens up the day quite nicely though. And afterwards I decided to go shopping. So, I’ve been thinking that my life needs to change and I’m not talking about the big stuff. It’s just that almost everything about my home is filled with memories of Jane and our life together. I’ve decided that as much as possible I’ll keep the life I lived with Jane stored up in my heart and just about everything else needs to change. I need to live differently. The week after Jane died my kids set out to redecorate and then remodel my front room, which had been Jane’s mum’s bedsit. That project worked really well and having turned it into a dining room come study I spend a lot of time in there; but the back room, my lounge, has been the bigger challenge as that is where Jane spent her final hours. I’ve found it very difficult to spend any time there at all and have been puzzling over what to do for some weeks. Anyway today provided the first step towards changing the way the room feels. This morning my ancient TV showed clear signs that it was about to pack up and because it gets limited use that had to be the trigger for an update. So this evening my lounge has begun it’s transformation into a TV snug and my son chose Green Lantern as the latest superhero movie choice. The movie monsters on a 40” set with my old home cinema sound system dominate the fairly small room quite nicely… I never thought I’d join that particular club, but at least the room feels very different and that helps me at the moment!

Although I’ve begun to make a number of small changes to the pattern of life, I’ve not specifically focussed upon pursuing change with particular vigour. It’s been more like things have just happened. So I’m wondering what next? How can I continue with transformation in a more focussed way? Looking back I can see a number of things I’ve done already to try and change my environment and also my self image … I’ve bought more new clothes than normal, including kitting myself out with an all-weather walking outfit; then there’s my longer hair, and I still feel no inclination to have it cut, though I am a little scruffy now; and I transferred allegiance from the Caravan Club to the Camping and Caravan Club giving me access to campsites that Jane never ever visited. The problem is that I liked my old life; I enjoyed the way I lived, the places I visited. I’d love to walk the Yorkshire Sculpture Park again; I was not impressed with the last Tate Modern rehang but maybe the new Oil Tank galleries will be worth visiting next year; Manchester Art Gallery was a pleasant surprise… there’s so much more, but without my more knowledgeable guide it wouldn’t be the same. I’ll probably give it a go though and do my best to find as many things as possible that I’ve never ever done. A pastor, at a previous church of ours, would sometimes stir the congregation with an interesting challenge – when was the last time you did something for the first time? Art has been a big part of my life for many years and would be very difficult to give up, so I guess I won’t.

2 Corinthians 5:17 ‘This means that anyone who belongs to Christ has become a new person. The old life is gone; a new life has begun!’ (NLT)