11th February

I remember last summer walking along this trail wondering what it would be like in winter. And now I know, it’s quite beautiful and I love it just as much as in warmer weather. It’s funny how I don’t get at all bored with the same few routes all the time either as there’s always something new happening. But being the weekend there were quite a few people around and that made a change, especially as everyone was so very friendly. There’s something about snow and sunshine that brings out the best in people when outdoors having fun. I’ve had a couple of encounters with aggressive drivers during the week and begun to despair of meeting nice normal people again. Sometimes it feels as though everybody’s out to get you when all you want is a peaceful life, to be polite and mind your own business. I don’t really enjoy the fast pace of city life, maybe I’ll have to think hard about relocating, somewhere down the line.

It’s almost 9 months since I lost Jane, and I’m not sure whether I’m still moving on. I think my grief journey has stalled at the moment despite being in a very different place from the early weeks and months. In a way I feel trapped. The raw pain of grief and the trauma of initial shock have certainly eased quite substantially. So yes I will be all right one day for sure, it’s just the challenge of engaging with a changed life that I’m struggling with. Finding new purpose is the name of the game. I loved building my family and my marriage. Life was wonderful. I’ve found leading worship teams and church small groups to be particularly fulfilling. My job was always very demanding and highly stressful, occupying some 50+ hours each week, but being able to handle that was always satisfying. Caring for Jane towards the end was a 24/7 occupation and a true labour of love over the four or five years of terminal illness. But today I have no demands upon my time. Not one… unless the never ending round of home decorating counts! Truth be told I’ve shied away from several invitations to get involved at church as I still need time out, though I did a bit of worship leading over Christmas which was enjoyable. I always enjoy spending time with my family and that is mutually supportive, so will always have great value. There’s nothing else though, and I’m struggling to see how I could or should engage with life again. Church has always been a big part of things for me, but at the moment I don’t feel inspired at all. Even though my church is doing all the things that I believe in, with excellent teaching and a great worship team I struggle to feel part of it. Maybe that’s just a reflection of not feeling part of life in any way. I’m still rather broken. Every purpose I had has for sure ended and I’m left with a clear choice now. Do I see my life as a closed book with the storyline complete, or does it have blank pages simply waiting to be written? Pass me a pen somebody… please!

Psalm 139:16 ‘You saw me before I was born. Every day of my life was recorded in your book. Every moment was laid out before a single day had passed.’ (NLT)