26th February 2012

From here

Yes there I am (in a purple shirt) on the church website and as I was walking through the city centre, on my way to church this morning, I had a glimpse of contentment. Just a glimpse. Yes, I could imagine growing old as a single; enjoying my family as they continued their journey through life; enjoying being part of a thriving church, albeit on the edge; and enjoying all manner of creative arts to keep myself occupied. Ok, travelling a little as well, we all like to do that don’t we? But it’s all a lie, and just not who I am. Not yet anyway, maybe another twenty years or so I’d be content to slow down, not at my age though. And I’m certainly not content with my present situation. Apart from the family thing I’m just not happy with my life and meaningful activity  being kept at arm’s length. I need to be at the centre of anything I’m involved with, working wholeheartedly to build the Kingdom of God. Basically keeping busy. Not on the outside watching others do the work, but sharing in the labour, even taking the initiative. Ignoring a couple of breaks, for around twenty years I led a number of church groups and ministry teams; most of the time I found great satisfaction in doing that. And although I was accountable to a line manager, I had quite a bit of autonomy in my workplace having almost sole responsibility for an insurance agency. That kept me busy. As did raising four children! But nowadays I do almost nothing and hate it! After decades of ongoing project management whilst juggling family life my diary is completely empty. I know I have my own ill health to manage but I’m not a complete invalid by any stretch of the imagination. And yes, I’m still in recovery after several years of emotional trauma caring for my wife as she died… but life goes on. I can’t keep doing nothing.

Today felt emotionally cold, I just feel numb. The weather was almost spring-like, which unfortunately reminded me of similar days when Jane and I would be working on the house, the garden, the motorhome or whatever. We’d always be looking towards something specific, together. For ourselves, for each other, for a young family. We always had a life to build and direction was easy to define. I don’t feel like that right now. Actually I don’t feel like doing anything that’s set before me, very little holds any attraction any more. Enthusiasm has just about died, along with Jane. All I have left is determination. But I will fight the negatives which could so easily destroy my life.

One thing’s for sure, it’s most unlikely that change will come my way by just sitting around at home complaining about my lot in life. I have to get out as much as possible to meet people, but more importantly I need to reach out to the Lord by positioning myself as best as I can in a place where I might meet with him. I’m talking about stepping aside from the normal daily routine to focus purely upon God. That’s probably easiest at church, though I have to say that my solo walks through the countryside are good as well. Whatever it takes I need to reach out to the Lord, setting aside all that distracts and allowing him into my life. This evening I even made the journey to Trent Vineyard and enjoyed that very different experience.

Isaiah 55:6 ‘Seek the LORD while you can find him. Call on him now while he is near.’ (NLT)