9th February

Another day of struggling to maintain motivation and focus. This pair of cedars at Kedleston are completely unmoved by the recent snowfall. I’m always impacted by the sheer majesty of these trees and being evergreen they never change. So then, I should be writing about my trudge through the snow this morning and how I’m looking to the future, and how I mustn’t become like these trees… unchanging! Ok, well I guess I have some good parts of my life to keep but basically I have to move on from my marriage to Jane. That’s finished. I’m an older single looking for a new life. But the temptation to write another ‘looking back’ blog post is actually, as always, quite strong. I just have to get it out of my system somehow. And maybe it would be more true to life anyway? Yes, I have been fighting the tears all day. So… 

It may sound odd, but I really miss being told off by Jane. And this snap harks back to our meat eating days not that many years ago… and yes I deserved a mild rebuke for playing with my camera when Jane had been hard at work cooking! She loved the little kitchen in our motorhome, though I suppose part of that love was that she was just cooking for the two of us, rather than having to compromise for the larger family. So then, we became vegetarian, a couple of months before Jane was diagnosed with cancer, in a quite dramatic turnaround from our normal beliefs. It was one completely random day about five years ago, when without any previous discussion I felt the Lord saying I should become vegetarian. Whilst I didn’t exactly discount the thought, it certainly didn’t fit my theology or any strong ethical consideration. The next day I can remember Jane and I were driving for a walk in the countryside and our conversation soon turned to that subject. When Jane shared that she’d felt the Lord say exactly the same thing to her the day before we were really left with no choice but to give up meat. And the really ‘strange’ thing was that the Lord instantly took away all desire for meat and it was no effort whatsoever to change. Actually, the opposite occurred, as we found a new enjoyment in the very different menus that we explored with great enthusiasm. For me it’s still more about dietary consideration rather than the ethics of animal husbandry, and the more I hear about how food is produced the more I feel comfortable in that choice. Similar principles apply to my choice to eat organic wherever possible.

Becoming vegetarian was a fairly big decision; although we took it quite spontaneously, we were in total agreement. And even now it’s not a strictly strict thing. Out of politeness as a guest on rare occasions I have eaten meat. Now and again I’ve also eaten my way through non-conforming packets of sweets for similar reasons. But basically my animal product intake is massively reduced. I’m very close to being tee-total as well, in a similar way. And I reckon I’m the healthier for all of this. Anyway I wanted to talk about making decisions. They’re so much easier when two can agree. I miss Jane’s gentle affirmation that I’m doing the right thing, whatever it is. And even more I miss her correction. Yes I can get distracted by the unimportant at times and miss the main thing, whatever that is. I miss having a prayer partner.

Matthew 18:19-20 ’I also tell you this: If two of you agree here on earth concerning anything you ask, my Father in heaven will do it for you. For where two or three gather together as my followers, I am there among them.’ (NLT)