14th February

Actually, it’s not been too bad a day today. And that’s a pleasant surprise after yesterday’s ordeal. I had another good night’s sleep after retiring earlier than normal feeling totally exhausted, but the big difference today was that I avoided thinking too much about Jane. So no tears, not yet anyway. The trick is to keep myself occupied with a focus that does not allow time to sink into grief. Any prolonged activity can be tiring  so I have to be a little careful, but reading usually works for an hour before I need a change. And the World Wide Web is quite appropriately named as it so easily ensnares, and often can be a complete waste of time. I do find it fascinating though as the variety and number of websites available for access is absolutely huge. The problem is that most of it is either incomprehensible or irrelevant to my interests, and seductively designed to persuade me to get my wallet out. The bulk of the rest is garbage that should never be allowed… I think, though, internet censorship is an interesting debate in itself. And it’s coming whether we like it or not. For me it depends upon who’s doing the censoring. But anyway the tiny bit of the internet that I can use safely is actually really amazing and quite valuable. And it’s not that small anyway. It’s huge. Oh yes, Amazon and eBay, the BBC and Wikipedia, Google News and Google Maps have ‘stolen’ so much time from me. Street View is so useful when travelling to a new location. But then I sometimes get lost in the world of blogs and any problem relating to just about any subject will have someone posting a solution in a group somewhere. It’s all a bit like using a satnav though, as it’s so easy to put your thinking cap aside and leave common sense at home. Blindly follow the little voice and you’re guaranteed to drive the wrong way down a one way street sooner or later. I once had a cross country car journey, 50 miles from home, that for no good reason turned me off a major A road onto a very narrow almost single track into the countryside. I simply presumed it was going to be a time saving short cut, but after a few miles the little voice quite randomly told me to ‘do a U-turn when possible’, before leading me back to the exact same spot on the A road I’d left some time before! I’d like to think that was a programming bug or satellite transmission glitch but I’m more tempted to wonder about the mischief making tendencies of the disgruntled satnav computer programmer. My return journey a few hours later it tried the same trick but I can’t be fooled twice though. Not in one day anyway… unless I’m in France!

Anyway, I digress. Or do I? That’s the whole point, I’m ‘gainfully’ occupying myself with harmless trivia in order to calm the inner torment and cries of grief that can so easily explode and damage my health once again. Yes I’m having a much better day and I need to build upon it somehow. Most years I have to wait until late summer before my health begins to improve. Currently I’ve had a few setbacks, but remain determined to manage Chronic Fatigue and have a flying start to the warmer weather. Then who knows what might happen, I can’t live with this affliction forever surely? If I do what I can to live right surely God will do what he can. And that’s a lot more than any ability of mine for sure.

Proverbs 3:5-6 ‘Trust in the LORD with all your heart; do not depend on your own understanding. Seek his will in all you do, and he will show you which path to take.’ (NLT)