2nd February

Yes it was cold this afternoon. Almost snowing. And today has been a very different game compared with yesterday. I still woke up, as usual, completely exhausted and suffering the almost permanent headache, but determined from the start to take control of the day, rather than just giving in to Chronic Fatigue. So shortly after 9am I could be found at the swimming baths, paddling up and down for my 20 lengths. That’s enough for now. And I certainly felt a lot better after doing that, though walking through town with wet hair in freezing temperatures is not a lot of fun. But it worked and was well worthwhile. So much so that after an appropriate rest and a bite to eat I drove down to Kedleston and managed a couple of miles around the grounds there. I really will have to take my digital camera as the last couple of visits I’ve had some quite spectacular close encounters of the aerial kind. Both my phone and iPod have a camera but they’re both far too slow to operate and not totally suitable. It’s not every day that 3 beautiful swans sweep past only 30 feet high and not much further away. And today I saw maybe 30 Canada Geese flying very low and quite close to me as they circled around after I’d disturbed them. Nice to see them flying and hear them honking but they’re messy creatures underfoot!

I need to completely rethink my health strategy. I’ve had far too many stressful activities encroaching upon my time with not enough space to recover. The problem is that many of the things I’m engaging in are not really optional, they’re just part of normal everyday life. And mostly quite enjoyable. But often there are little niggles of frustration accompanying the good bits. And that’s maybe where the problem lies as I struggle to cope anymore with even the minor challenges of life. The last few years have been immensely stressful as I helped my wife fight to live, and then eventually die with terminal cancer. Just now I suppose I’m all out of give. I have nothing left. It’s all gone. So for what may be an extended season I have to build myself up, walk away from even the easy challenges of life. Unless it involves my kids or my parents and maybe a few other people I care about as well. Then there’s the decorating, and what about other major work needing doing on the house? And the more I think about it the more I really do not like being a single bloke with no-one to share life with. But what on earth can I do about that? I’m not very good at switching off and letting go of these things am I?

Matthew 6:26-27 ‘Look at the birds. They don’t plant or harvest or store food in barns, for your heavenly Father feeds them. And aren’t you far more valuable to him than they are? Can all your worries add a single moment to your life?’ (NLT)