21st February

So the latest weather report says the day has been just about dry, mostly overcast, and with just the barest suggestion of blue sky even with a late afternoon photo from my bedroom window. Yes, no real tears and though the aftermath of losing Jane has certainly cast it’s shadow over the day, at times I’ve felt just a hint of the joy that comes with the hope of eternity in Christ.

I certainly felt fairly reasonable first thing. And my normal Tuesday morning routine is to transport Jane’s mum to her old folks group, however for the second week in a row that didn’t work. Both times she’s forgotten what day it is and last week she even missed the coach trip to a nearby reservoir. At least the staff at the sheltered housing complex had made sure she was up and dressed this week, which was good of them. Of more concern is her health as she has some sort of infectious skin problem, and despite a doctor’s prescription it looks pretty horrid to me. She certainly needed another medical visit asap and was waiting for that to happen. Again, her residential carers are doing what they can but that still leaves me feeling rather upset as that’s exactly the sort of care Jane would have given. She’s in a mess physically, totally depressed and doesn’t want to live anymore. At 97 she has no reserves to draw upon and despite some regular family visits is really quite isolated, compared with living in the family home we shared for so long. I felt quite distressed just spending a short time with her but I’m quite in despair as to how to help. My family home no longer exists and I miss that terribly. I get on surprisingly well with my son and we certainly have a few laughs but compared with having Jane around I might as well be living on the moon. And after years supporting Jane’s battle with terminal cancer, culminating in intensive palliative care in the home, I can’t face end of life care for her mum. I’m all out of give. No matter what the need. I’ll try and visit at least weekly and maybe pray with her but ‘interfering’ in any way with her existing care structure is not going to happen. She’s even broken her phone again and that’s quite a few she’s got through now. Bring back an original Bakelite model and she’d be fine, but progress sure is hard for the technophobic aged.

For some time I’ve been thinking of going away for a short break, but every time I thought about making it happen it just felt like hard work. I explored winter campsite options and found an attractive new possibility on the edge of Delaware Forest near Chester, but then it snowed! A couple of times I looked at continental coach trips, given that I don’t fancy a long haul without shared driving, but I’m not quite ready to take the step of confining myself to the unavoidable company of a group of strangers for a few days. One year, soon after Jane’s first major operation, followed by radiotherapy, we made it to Barcelona on a coach trip and thoroughly enjoyed the experience. We met some really nice people and though the escorted tours were a bit mixed in quality it was nice not to have to be concerned with organising anything. Just go, do, eat, drink and have fun as it were! Anyway, this morning I fired up my motorhome to take it off my driveway for the first time in some months, and simply went shopping! But as a road test and brief taster of life driving a camper I felt stirred again, almost enthusiastic, so maybe before long I’ll find a motorway and go explore a brand new forest experience... the fact that there’s a Bose Outlet Store in the area has nothing to do with it, honestly!

Finished writing early tonight so I’m off to a ‘Creation Ministries’ evening at church, with presentations entitled "Darwin's Theory: Good Science?" and "Dinosaurs & Dragons - Monsters or Myths?" I’ve been exposed to a lot of ‘alternative’ science over the years so I’m quite interested in what they’ve got to say.

Genesis 1:1 ‘In the beginning God created the heavens and the earth’ (NLT)