11th March 2012

I’ve not had a headache like this for quite a long time now, so for that I’m grateful. I hate the things as for quite a lot of years I’ve suffered them for months at a time, and I’m quite convinced they’re M.E. related. But what to do? Stronger painkillers work but I’ve really had far too many of them over the years so by far the better option is to tackle my ill health in other ways. Basically I need a break, get away from everything and go sit on a campsite for however long it takes to recover. I have a window of opportunity maybe this week but I have to make sure I’m well enough to drive first. I’m rather fed up with the rollercoaster ride of Chronic Fatigue and the continual challenge to disengage with normal life in order to moderate the condition. I just want to get on and do stuff! But at least the peaks and troughs of grief have levelled out a lot over the months. I’m certainly not ‘there’ yet but I’m well on the way. At least I’m far more in control of when I choose to get really upset… yes, I can easily switch on the tears just by thinking about Jane and particularly how she suffered towards the end. But I’ve found I don’t need to dwell upon that for as long now before I’m ready to move on.

I miss Jane terribly, and that’s compounded by not being able to do many of the things I really enjoy anymore. Because I did them with her. I’m struggling to get a handle on doing things on my own. I never did; Jane and I were inseparable for 40 years! I suppose there’ll be a steady stream of ‘firsts’ as I begin to tackle activities over time but it feels like slow progress at the moment. I hate it! Even something straightforward such as going to church by myself and finding I sit next to someone different every week. I know I have to restart living in many different ways, as the emptier my life the more I’m always going to be inclined to look back. I have to press on into the future not yearn for that which has gone forever. I often would sit in church and simply hold Jane’s hand… last night I sat on my settee at home, reached out my hand to where Jane might sit and in my imagination did just that. I cried then and I’m crying now.

I need a break.

Psalm 23:2 ‘He lets me rest in green meadows; he leads me beside peaceful streams.’ (NLT)