30th March 2012

A very different day today, though my picture was actual taken a few days ago. No idea who Denise is either, I just like the pic. Although the weather this evening is similar, for much of the day it’s not been like this at all, much more overcast. So as I’ve had a more difficult day I thought it good to remember how things can be with a nice sunny photo! Yes I’ve spent the day alone and that was right as I’ve almost unavoidably been thinking about Jane. Funny how I didn’t see it coming either and felt quite good first thing; I was simply planning to enjoy myself with my final day on holiday. And yes, unfortunately I need to go find the motorway sometime tomorrow morning. No rush though.

So there I was simply walking along the seafront in Deal and I passed by one of the benches with a memorial plaque fastened to it. I recognised the name of a lady I once knew, having stayed at her house several times. She was a close friend of my parents and she passed away 2-3 years ago. And I just felt so sorry for her very elderly husband. So I shed a few tears in sympathy for him and his loss. Then another bench had bunches of flowers attached with cards addressed to Dad and Husband. I’ve no idea who these people are, but again my heart opened to them with yet more tears. I kept walking and eventually settled on a bench by myself where my own memories and heartache began to engage more openly. I thought of the life I’ve lost… I realised I miss the so very regular prompting to stop for a coffee, it doesn’t feel right sitting in a café all by myself. And in recent years Jane was often easily tired and we’d joke about sitting on every other bench to rest… of course there are a lot! As I sat thinking I imagined Jane was by my side… and she would often pull her art book out of her bag together with a whole selection of rather messy chalk pastels. She always smeared them together with her fingers, so upon completion she’d blow the dust everywhere, spray fix the completed picture and liberally use up half a packet of baby wipes on me and the bench, as well as herself! I miss all of that.

Yes, I did get particularly upset and so decided to walk along to the special place where we scattered her ashes last year. I made a small pebble heart on the shoreline and knelt to pray for quite a long time. Ok, so now I have sore knees! But I feel a little better knowing that I’ve honoured Jane with some quality time before the Lord.

Psalm 56:8 ^’ You keep track of all my sorrows. You have collected all my tears in your bottle. You have recorded each one in your book.’ (NLT)