More of the same today. Yes, on reflection I’ve spent my time in an almost identical manner as yesterday which feels a little wrong. But I can’t really see why. So yesterday I was at the hospital with my dad, then I painted my bathroom and then I went for a walk in the grounds of Kedleston Hall, which just so happens to describe today quite perfectly as well. At least I’ve been reading a different book, sort of. Yesterday I read the whole of Battle Earth II, today a good portion of Battle Earth III. Obviously an engaging work of science fiction ‘nonsense’, but at least it distracts from more pressing concerns for a few hours. So my dad’s back home now which is good, and he looks quite lively, basically back to normal all ready. I really can’t say much about the second coat of paint in my bathroom. And that leaves me with the bird picture of the day…
My life is very plain at the moment. Not much happens and despite a lot of thought going into it I’m not progressing at all with moving on after losing Jane. Maybe it’s a timing thing as I have given myself a year out from any responsibility to make sure I have space to grieve properly. It’s been over 9 months and I can see a big emotional change as I learn to live without my wife. And that is exactly the plan I suppose, I need to let go and say a complete goodbye to the life I lived for so many years, before I can move on. I have to stop trying to live in a way that would ‘please’ Jane, I have to do things my way not hers. The other day I even got ‘ratty’ with her, which is a nonsense I know but it happened. Jacob, our cat was really Jane’s pet and certainly not mine as I’m not a very good pet person. He’ll never come to any harm, it’s just I don’t make friends with an animal as easily as Jane would. So quite recently, there I was reading my book with the cat on my knee, doing my level best to look after him, when he bit me! I don’t think I was giving him proper attention or something, but that for sure won’t happen again anytime soon… and why on earth does he persist in dragging his food out of a perfectly good bowl onto the carpet to eat? Does he like carpet fluff in his pet gravy or something? Anyway, one day it all got a bit much – yes he still howls when he’s not happy – and I realised I was chuntering away at Jane ‘I’m trying! I can’t do any more!’ There’s no way was she listening I know, but that’s an example of why I have to move on and do things my way. The cat and I are beginning to develop an ‘understanding’ about who’s in charge in my house after the biting episode.
Mustn’t forget the birds. I know they face all manner of challenges with hunting for food, building nests and avoiding predators. But is that so very different from our own life challenges? We mostly have to work to live comfortably and need to be on guard for all manner of predators in the workplace or on the internet or sometimes with illness. Hugely stressful most of the time. Why can’t we live like the birds that never get depressed and worried? They just get on with flying and enjoying life in an apparently completely carefree way. That’s sounds like a plan.
Matthew 6:25-27 ‘That is why I tell you not to worry about everyday life—whether you have enough food and drink, or enough clothes to wear. Isn’t life more than food, and your body more than clothing? Look at the birds. They don’t plant or harvest or store food in barns, for your heavenly Father feeds them. And aren’t you far more valuable to him than they are? Can all your worries add a single moment to your life?’ (NLT)
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