10th April 2012

Tortuous. A challenging day, with little respite from the pain of a heart so completely broken. Yes, I’m still missing Jane, she was always there in everything I ever did. My photo was taken not that much more than a year ago and yet in some ways it feels like many years, the separation is so unbridgeable. So given no more pressing concerns, and no activity able to distract, I had no way to avoid the upset of today. I can’t really put my finger on what started it, though my day has been blanketed with an overwhelming sense of loss. Of course, I also feel very lonely. And I’ve been fighting a mild headache all day, which often seems to happen when I get upset. But it seems like I’m on a perpetual merry-go-round, with very little to be merry about. There is light at the end of the tunnel, it’s just a long tunnel. How to survive, and persevere to get through the pain, is the order of the day.

I ‘enjoyed’ a very personal and quite special God moment this morning. I was changing the sheets on my bed, a chore that Jane always instigated and which, when I was around, we would make light work of by doing it together. She loved to have clean sheets on a freshly made bed and I started to think of how much she appreciated just about everything I did around the home. Whether it be chores, repairs or major projects she was always grateful for whatever I did. I miss that, but even more, I actually need that appreciation. Whatever I do now is pretty much guaranteed to go unnoticed by anyone. So whether it be the ‘poor old me’ thing or grief it doesn’t really matter, I just got really upset thinking about Jane not being there and started crying out to God. And he answered in a very particular way…

All day long I listen to music, usually CBN or UCB internet radio and as I was praying a song came on which spoke as clearly as if the Lord was standing over me. A worship leader I’ve not previously heard of called, Lex Buckley, was singing ‘Heaven Rejoices’. You can listen to it on YouTube here. The song speaks to those who wait faithfully; no matter the pain, the wounds, and the storms of life… God sees us as precious and heaven rejoices as we rise each day. The Lord sings a song of joy over us, he will breathe new life, heal our wounds and he wants us to know he loves us. His ways may be hard to understand but his plan is greater than we can imagine and he’ll never leave us no matter the darkness. Indeed, he crowns our life with immeasurable beauty… what a song and what a God, who loves us in such a way.

Isaiah 64:4 ^‘For since the world began, no ear has heard and no eye has seen a God like you, who works for those who wait for him!’ (NLT)