11th April 2012

For the past week or so I’ve been thinking about how to move on with my life. My woodland walks may be thoroughly enjoyable and even important, for a season, but there’s more to life than just walking. It’s always too easy to think of Jane at the moment as here for example is a photo taken on my normal route around Kedleston, but a couple of years ago. She’ll never join me on that walk again. Anyway, my thoughts are increasingly focussed upon some ideas I began to develop on my last trip to Deal. Specifically concerning hearing God and living continually in an awareness of his presence. So then, all the time I’m faced with decisions, both small and seemingly inconsequential and also large with more obvious long term consequences. Some decisions are no-brainers, as for example, today, my mum had asked me to give her and my dad a lift to hospital. Simply for a planned follow up, a quite small op that my dad needs to have done, hopefully to conclude the problems he had a month or so ago. As I say an easy decision. Then next week, I’m planning on taking a friend camping with me for a couple of days. Not too far as he’s recently had an op himself. So again not a difficult decision and sometimes circumstances transpire to make our choices quite clear.

I’ve been wondering, though, how to live at a completely different level. I believe the Lord directs our paths at all times, so yes he watches over us, guarding and guiding our way; but there is a sense in which we need to respond to him as he leads. I suppose it’s all about timing. When the Lord suggests, and it usually is only a suggestion, that I go to a particular place or do a particular thing; then surely it’s better if I engage at an early stage, rather than wandering around doing my own thing for who knows how long. So again, for example, all along I’ve determined to engage with bereavement in a purposeful way, by researching the challenge and seeking wise council. I could have just got on with it and not concerned myself with understanding the process at all. But instead I’ve chosen to engage with it as a journey, with a clear end in sight. Grief will not define my life forever. And I have to trust that the Lord has led me to walk this way. I’ve seen those who put on a mantle of grief that is totally overwhelming and that lasts for many years. Totally life destroying. There are others who seemingly ignore it completely and just carry on as though life has not changed at all. I’m quite sure that is simply postponing the inevitable, as the tears of grief are a gift from God, to be shed with him as a companion in life.

Anyway, whatever I do I want to do with the Lord as my closest companion. I don’t want to go wandering off down some blind alley, trying to work things out for myself. I might have said that at any point in my Christian life of course, it’s just I feel called to a deeper level right now. I suppose, ultimately, I want the miraculous in my life, I want the hand of God to be clearly seen. I want to make a difference; I want my life to mean something, I want to fulfil my potential whatever that is. I’m not looking for recognition from man either, as I just want to please God. And that means learning how to hear his voice rather more clearly than I do at the moment.

Matthew 25:23 ‘The master said, ‘Well done, my good and faithful servant.’ (NLT)