23rd April 2012

Well then, the way I felt today I could easily have stayed home and waited for the hail and heavy rain to arrive.  Then I’d have an excuse to stay in and do very little. But that achieves nothing, and I can’t be living like that. At one stage I watched a couple of episodes of West Wing; I'm working through my box set for the second time now and I quite enjoy it’s political twists and turns. But today I was moved to tears as I watched an act of kindness unfolding. I’m still very emotional and tend to cry at almost anything. I have to get out and do stuff, and for sure, one day I’ll meet someone and my life will change. Maybe I’ll simply meet with the Lord and he’ll inspire me to action in a new way, maybe I’ll meet another person and who knows what may happen then.

So after a few chores and yet one more precarious balancing act standing on a ladder – repairing a security light – I eventually decided to walk around Kedleston. My first visit for a few weeks, and the sun just about came out to brighten my excursion. It was a lonely and empty trail I walked along though, and rather muddy underfoot, but the presence of God was wonderful. 

There were hundreds of these little characters all around the grounds. Every single one a miracle of new life. That’s exactly what I need… a new life. I was thinking again today, just about every dream I ever had instinctively included Jane. After 40 years together I had no concept of life without her, and I just assumed she’d always be with me. In one sense my whole life died with her. I have to start again with brand new dreams.

But one hurdle remains at the front of my thinking. I just don’t like being alone. I’m trying really hard to get used to it… and failing miserably. Pretty much every morning I wake and imagine Jane lying in bed beside me, this afternoon I walked along ‘holding her hand’. Somehow I have to move on, and soon. 

Bluebells… or should I say purplebells? There’ll be an on-line debate about that somewhere I guess. Anyway, year after year they just keep popping up and they produce a great splash of colour to confirm that spring is truly on it’s way. Every now and again I get to recognise the hand of God at work in my life, I’m totally convinced of his presence and his favour. With my human eyes and understanding I sometimes struggle to see anything other than the loss of Jane and that continues to break my heart. But the gentle and always respectful touches of God remind me that he is walking with me into something more. The winter of my life is passing, spring and new life is changing my season. I am moving on, the life I lived with Jane is being left behind and I will live a brand new one. 

Yes this picture is out of balance. There should be someone sitting here enjoying the view, that’s what the bench is for. I cannot imagine the next forty years without the intimate friendship of a really close companion to share life with. But Jane has gone and today I feel a little empty. Tomorrow has to be better.

Proverbs 18:22 ^‘The man who finds a wife finds a treasure, and he receives favour from the Lord.’ (NLT)