There’s no
point trying to live in the past. This evening I was thinking that I really
could do with something to brighten the day, to bring a little colour back into
my life. Of course this spring crocus is well and truly gone for another year
now, but it was a very welcome splash of colour a couple of months ago. So now
I have a very plain and completely green garden once again. All rather boring,
but at the moment the whole thing feels like a chore that needs avoiding. Jane
and I almost lived outdoors at times and absolutely loved it. Every step I take
across the lawn reminds me of her. I can’t keep on engaging with that too much,
so I’ll live with the weeds and overgrown flowerbeds for another year. That’s
no problem, I don’t mind. Dealing with the emotional entanglement of the past is
another story though, as I cannot continue living in a grief storm much longer.
It triggers a CFS relapse, and I’m totally fed up with being so ill all the
time. Living with total exhaustion and a permanent bad head is not my idea of a
fun life. Sometime soon I’ll have to go camping again. That always works out well.
Yes, I’m struggling
with motivation right now; somehow I need to engage with the new, to take a
hold of life with fresh passion. The old way of doing things has lost it’s
appeal. Actually just about everything has lost it’s appeal, I’m clean out of
enthusiasm. I know I need help, and I’ve lost my number one helper… Jane. She truly
was a gift from God and together we battled through every obstacle that life
put in front of us. And there were many. Today I have my kids and a few others
around me. But it can never be the same, they all have their own challenges and
I’m much more inclined to support them than have them support me. So unless the
Lord gives me another partner, he alone is my helper, my companion
through the trials of life. And truth be told I need no other, he is my all
sufficient one, especially in the midst of bereavement, the greatest challenge
of my life.
Acts 3:20 ‘Then times of
refreshment will come from the presence of the Lord’ (NLT)
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