3rd June 2012

We need to live with colour in our lives. And I can’t hide the fact that today I’m struggling. The world looks a very bleak place… without love, without my wife. Yes I’ve allowed myself to get down, which is not part of the plan at all. But, but, but… is a word that should be removed from my vocabulary when making excuses, no matter how reasonable. I’ve done too much over the past few days, engaging with too many people and too many church meetings. And so Chronic Fatigue Syndrome has struck with a vengeance, at least temporarily undoing all the good work of my extended holiday. I struggled to get out of bed this morning, having a really bad head and annoying pains that come with the condition. I did persevere though, eventually; only to find myself getting upset when looking at Jane’s artwork that adorns almost every wall in my home. It’s not the paintings that bothered me, I enjoy them. Rather it’s remembering Jane sat at an easel producing the work, her favourite activity over many years. Not so long ago I’d spend a happy couple of hours, one evening a week, engaging with an art course she was developing. So I learned how to draw using different shading techniques and suchlike, and then she’d set me homework stirring up the little artistic creative gift I had. Drawing still life was a typical lesson and my favourite evenings always included a glass or two of wine… I got quite good at drawing the half empty bottle! Yes I’m missing her so very much, again.

It’s obvious there’s no quick fix for the pain of bereavement. But, and this is a healthy but, I have found a way forward. I know it. The secret, for me, is to engage with new life and leave the old behind. The challenge is to manage my illness, maybe even to reach out to God for complete healing. And thus avoid the unavoidable inactivity that accompanies a CFS relapse. Yes pretty much complete rest and isolation, for a couple of days or so, is the only way to deal with my very severe fatigue. And then the slog to regain some level of normality begins again. Sometimes it feels as though living a normal life is impossible, but I’ll never give up hope. If nothing else, I can still retreat and go camping in my motorhome again; that always seems to help.

Luke 1:37 ^‘For nothing is impossible with God.’ (NLT)