5th June 2012

We only remember the good times… yes, it’s often tempting to look back and say that life was once rather better than it is today. That’s obviously true for my tulips, but is it true for me? Well right now I feel pretty much exactly like my picture, somewhat past my best! I don’t actually believe it, though I can’t deny today’s feelings. Nonetheless I cling to the stubborn hope of a changed life, a new beginning; however first I’m working on ending the old one. I keep getting a glimpse of a way forward, and that vision was particularly clear whilst I was away last week. Over the past year I focussed my attention upon my journey through bereavement, and of course I’m not quite ready to close the door on that part of my life. But it is apparent that I have to work harder on restoring and maintaining health, as the lesson from the weekend is that when I overdo things I become ill with Chronic Fatigue. I’ve always known that, it’s lesson number one, but now I have a fuller understanding of how serious fatigue opens a door to grief. When we’re ill we all need someone to look after us…

For years I’ve sought to carefully manage my activity levels, sometimes more successfully than others. Spending a couple of weeks away on my own, in the sunshine, was wonderfully beneficial. I felt great when I returned home. Ready to tackle life head on again. But all it took was a couple of evenings and all day Saturday in a church conference and I’m back in the world of pain and heavy fatigue again. Most annoying, but not irrecoverable. As soon as I get just a little stronger I’ll be able to drive and find a field to go park my motorhome again. That always works.

So then, if I could, would I really want to turn the clock back and recover my life with Jane? For over a decade she suffered serious ill health, and lived with a death sentence for over 4 of those years. No way would I want to go back to that, no matter her stoic resolve to live normally. She deserves the reward she receives today. The pain of bereavement is nothing, absolutely nothing compared with all that she went through. I’ll get there, I’ll be stronger than ever as a person and I will serve the Lord with my whole being for the rest of my life. It truly is a privilege to know God and to walk with him through whatever life sets before me. I have the rest of eternity to live in heavenly paradise, today is what really matters though because that’s all I have right now. And I want to make every day count for something.

Romans 14:7-8 ^‘For we don’t live for ourselves or die for ourselves. If we live, it’s to honour the Lord. And if we die, it’s to honour the Lord. So whether we live or die, we belong to the Lord.’ (NLT)