27th June 2012

Given enough time all things change. Yes nature runs through it’s seasons month by month, year after year, and that’s good. It’ll always be so. And when we go through our season of trouble it’s reassuring to know that somewhere down the line things will get better. They say time is a great healer, and for sure painful memories fade eventually, but deep seated trauma can take hold and cause permanently damage. The end of life care that I chose to provide for Jane was not easy for me for any number of reasons. Not least because over some years I surrendered just about every personal desire in order to give her my whole attention. Whatever she wanted, whatever she needed I tried hard to provide. She deserved it, and a whole lot more. Many times though, I felt emotionally and physically wrecked as my CFS troubled body cried out for relief from the continual battle. But now she’s gone. And in one sense my own life has come to an end as well. I feel very selfish at the moment as I find it hard to really engage with the needs of others. Yes I can empathise and even shed a few tears when I come across situations, but when it comes down to anything practical I’m basically out if town. I can’t cope. I’m all out of give. Though if asked I’ll always respond, it’s just that I don’t go looking to help in the way I once might have. I don’t like living like this, it doesn’t fit who I am. But until I recover my health, until I get my head straight that’s where I’m at.

Sometimes I think about the measure of love that Jane and I shared and the emotional challenge of providing palliative care in the home. And I wonder if I must find engagement of equal measure to move on. Whatever, I do believe in living life with great passion and I need to keep my eyes open for a new adventure. The last 40 years have been wonderful, the next will be even more so. But only the Lord can make it so.

Psalm 16:11 ^‘You will show me the way of life, granting me the joy of your presence and the pleasures of living with you forever’ (NLT)