Saturday, March 03, 2012

3rd March 2012

I guess I’m rather stressed out at the moment. And it doesn’t take a rocket scientist to work that one out. In so many ways my life is same old same old, which is perfectly illustrated by my choosing a bird picture for the third day on the run. But I’m not attempting to create a photo sharing website, just trying to flesh out the reality of my daily journey. Yes the highlight of the day was my walk around Kedleston, and once again as I approached the lakeside the flock of quietly resting birds dutifully took to the air to escape the ‘Dave threat’! I almost felt guilty, though at the weekend they must do this multiple times with a steady stream of visitors. I certainly feel a little envious of their freedom to simply fly away when threatened. I’d love to be able to work that one out. But how can I escape the pain of bereavement and the distorted life caused by my long term ill health?

This afternoon as I was taking pictures of these birds I suddenly had to deal with quite severe chest pains. On and off I’ve suffered this problem all of my adult and even teenage life. Sometimes I can go years without any problem, but when stressed for an extended time it seems to affect me. At times I was unable to walk or breathe deeply it got so bad and I remember maybe 20 years ago having a particularly bad episode, with the severest and very sharp pain around my heart. Around midnight I set to tidying up my business accounts and then drove myself to hospital leaving Jane with our young children. Daft I know but that’s what I did! They wired me up to a machine and left me to it for half an hour. I lay there thinking my time was up with continuing pain, and pins and needles down both arms. I could hardly move with a particularly severe attack at one point. Anyway the doctor eventually surfaced to look through the monitored results with simple diagnosis of a viral infection around my heart. ‘Take two paracetamol and go home’ was the challenging but wonderfully releasing verdict… I had no more chest pains for many years! I persevered with my 3 mile walk today and it got slightly better, but my self-diagnosis thinks it’s just part of dealing with Chronic Fatigue Syndrome, something to do with ‘nerve memory’. A day or two ago my ankle was hurting reminding me of a damaged tendon injury caused when playing badminton 30 years ago and long since healed. Today’s pain was quite debilitating, but felt very similar to the frozen shoulder I suffered from for quite a few years, though again that was completely healed. I can do without this sort of problem but unless it continues I’ll avoid seeing a doctor.

Whilst I was walking I listened to BBC Radio’s ‘Soul Music’, an episode covering the ‘Hallelujah Chorus’ from Handel’s Messiah. I’m certainly not normally that engaged with such classics, but today I found it really moving as they read portions of scripture connected with the music. Then they discussed the ‘Flash Mob’ choir thing that has now happened quite a few times over the years… so you’ll find for example Hallelujah Chorus Flash Mob at Brent Cross Shopping Centre at I’m not sure if this was the actual event they discussed but apparently ordinary shoppers were happily joining in the singing which left many in tears after the event. I sometimes wonder about the folk I pass on my walk as I usually just allow the tears to flow quite freely and let them think what they will. So today I found myself thinking of the worship in heaven and if this is just a ‘poor reflection’ I can’t wait to take my place there. Yes I will persevere with my drive to recover health and fitness and I am determined to live a long life, but I have no fear of death and when my time comes I will embrace that future with the greatest enthusiasm. I just want to live with Jesus, and Jane, and so many other saints who’ve gone before me. In the meantime I’ll live with one of life’s greatest experiences – Godly worship. And that’s for sure the best way of ‘escaping’ any threat that comes my way.

Revelation 19:16 ‘KING OF KINGS, AND LORD OF LORDS.’ (KJV)

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