Thursday, March 08, 2012

8th March 2012

Yes I’m back walking for the first time this week, and it was fine with no chest pains or suchlike. I’m still very tired though so it was a bit of a slow plod. There seem to be a lot of trees in a similar condition to this one and it started me thinking about my life… again. Talk about heavy pruning! And just about everything I do has changed and I’m struggling to see any of it as a change for the better. It just isn’t. But is it really as dead as this tree?

Maybe I’m just too impatient about moving on and out of this season of grief… I guess so. But maybe that’s a false premise and I’m destined to carry sadness around for the rest of my life, always looking back at what might have been… I can’t accept that as my destiny. And I have a wonderful family, a real privilege so maybe I should find fulfilment and enjoyment in that… yes, and no! I’m well chuffed with the way my kids are living and all that they are achieving but that’s not enough. I cannot live out my life through them. I have to do stuff myself. But what?

All that I am and all that I do is founded upon my Christian faith and the personal relationship I have with Jesus Christ. That is as secure as it’s ever been, as is my ultimate destiny of a new life in heaven. No, it’s the other building blocks of life that have to be sorted out. So what is the Lord asking of me right now and where might he be leading in the near future? Untangling my muddled thoughts and easing troubled emotions is very much a work in progress and for sure I must complete the twelve month exclusive season of mourning I’ve given myself. I’ve concluded that my long hair is in some way connected with that as well; unless I decide I like being scruffy for a while longer. I suppose I am making progress but I can’t imagine that May 24th will present a ‘magic’ change overnight; it’s just that somewhere down the line I need to draw a line in the sand and really determine to move on.

Over the years I’ve enjoyed doing many different things, many of which are not part of my life right now. But there have been two main ingredients that no matter how hard I try I don’t feel able to let go of. They both remain really important, though in totally different ways, and obviously I’m not saying they’re equal in value. Just that I don’t feel able to let go of either of them at the moment. I’m talking about marriage and music. I can’t get my head around not being married, so maybe it’s because I was with Jane for almost 40 years and I just have to get used to my new status… don’t know, but I think about it a lot for sure. And music, specifically my guitar and playing in a band of some sort; I first played about 45 years ago in a small time rock group earning a regular 8 guineas per gig whilst I was still at school… I think about this all the time as well.

Over the years I’ve learned to trust the Lord when he speaks. And for me he always warms my heart towards that which pleases him. I want to live as a married man and I want to play in a band. But what chance has this middle aged widower with average musical talent got for either of those things to come to pass? Not a lot… it would take a miracle. Maybe I’m just muddled up in my thinking as I try and adjust to my new reality. Maybe my partially healed emotions are messing about with what I really want, whatever that is. And yes at root all I really want is to please the Lord in whatever way he chooses. But I suppose if nothing else I’m facing up to the harsh reality of a lost youth being gone forever… or is it?

 Psalm 37:4 ‘Take delight in the LORD, and he will give you your heart’s desires.’ (NLT)

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