Monday, July 09, 2012

Pick Up Your Mat and Walk

It’s hard when God won’t say what we want him to say, or do what we want him to do. I’m glad he doesn’t, but it’s still hard. I’ve never watched it all the way through, but Jim Carrey in Bruce Almighty clearly shows the mess any of us would get in! But I’m feeling so very sad again and I don’t want to live like this. I want God to make everything alright again. Like it was for most of my life, only better. I’m still away on holiday, for at least another week or so, and that helps. I’m feeling a lot stronger physically. But still too sad. I keep ‘seeing’ Jane walking across the campsite, I dream about her quite regularly and really don’t like it when I wake up and… remember. One day I sat on the bench outside the shower block just ‘waiting’. She never came out. At least I found a new church to visit yesterday and felt completely at home there, just about every song we sang is on my MP3 player. They’re doing stuff I understand. Anyway they prayed for me so that was good.

Yes I want God to heal me, physically and emotionally. I want to move on with my life, I want to work again. I want to make music, I want to share the Lord and his goodness with all who cross my path. I don’t want to walk along the seafront anymore with tears rolling down my cheeks. I want to live and share love again. I’m so very lonely. I have great kids and a few other folk around me, but that is nothing compared to the love of a wife. I miss her so very much. I want the Lord to take away that pain. I want him to fill my heart with his love, maybe even to lead me into a new relationship. That could work… or not. I have no idea. But no matter my tears, no matter my prayers, the Lord is saying only one thing to me at the moment ‘walk!’ So that’s what I do, though I never seem to catch Jane up. She’s gone too far ahead for that…

John 5:8 ‘Jesus told him, “Stand up, pick up your mat, and walk!”’ (NLT)

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