Sunday, July 29, 2012

Looking for God

I’m never gonna stop looking and hoping and dreaming and planning and working… for God too show up, to make a difference, to help me change for the better, to be the person he created me to be. Despite this being one of the most difficult weeks since I lost Jane. Yes I’ve been seriously weak with Chronic Fatigue and suffering horribly as I continue to walk through bereavement. I’m pretty sure the two are intertwined as stress exacerbates CFS and then I so easily just give in to the ever present call of grief. I miss the wonderful life I once enjoyed so very much, with the woman I loved so completely. And she was just right for me, we were always a good team, and totally in love, since the very beginning. She was my best friend and I miss her terribly. I long for the sound of her voice, the smell of her hair, the smile on her face. Her always gentle encouragement, her simple Godliness, the fierce determination to pursue God purpose, with total confidence in his ability to enable. She was a woman of unshakable faith, carrying an inner beauty to match her stunning good looks. And I’m really struggling without her. Everything feels broken. Nothing works properly. I’m not designed to walk through life on my own. I need a wife. I need the intimacy of a friend with no secrets, nothing hidden, no subject off limits. Total acceptance, no matter what. Someone to work stuff out with. To take risks with, to share success, to make mistakes, to enjoy family, to visit Barcelona and Florence, the Grand Canyon and the Vendee. Whatever. I never imagined being single again, I just expected to grow old with the wife of my youth. I really looked forward to being in my nineties and walking along holding hands with the love of my life. Every year for 40 years Jane and I continued to become closer and closer. And that could have continued. Now I feel lost with no-one to share anything with. A real loner. At best I might one day start again with a new relationship, and that would be great. Though there’d be some serious catch-up. For now though I’m a bit of an emotional mess. I need help.

I have to move on and I can’t stay in this horrible place of tears, feeling low and so very sad. So I’m looking and hoping and dreaming and planning for the day when I can take a hold of the new life that God has for me. I can’t have the old one anymore, it’s gone. And for sure I don’t want the life I live right now to continue for even one more day. I’m all done with tears. They’re too painful. Deep within my heart lives an indescribable joy and peace. Untouchable. I really need to take my eyes off my problems and look to the Lord, the answer to my every need and the author of every solution. He has prepared a pathway for me to walk down. I just have to start walking again. Sitting in this heap of self-pity is not at all a good idea. And I'm fed up carrying a tripod everywhere to take my own picture... I sure get some strange looks! 

1 Corinthians 2:9 ‘No eye has seen, no ear has heard, and no mind has imagined what God has prepared for those who love him.’ (NLT)

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