Friday, July 13, 2012

Waiting on the Lord

Some days everything is just too much. And I really do need to meet with God. I had a horrible dream, in which Jane was dying of cancer and I was crying out to the Lord with every ounce of strength I could muster. Asking him to heal her and not to take her away from me. I woke up totally exhausted from the effort involved, I was totally ‘there’, and then as I gradually began to stir I recognised the reality of today… yes the trauma of Jane’s passing is very much still with me. So it’s no wonder that I struggle to find release from chronic fatigue syndrome. Stress avoidance is my number one goal. But how do I deal with continual bad dreams? Although today I barely have the energy to walk more than a hundred yards or so, at least I have made it to a beautiful cliff top car park overlooking the English Channel. I’m not a happy bunny though, for sure.

And yet… deep within my spirit, hope remains. I am completely secure in my walk with God; my life is devoted to serving and honouring him. But while I have no doubts about my destiny in eternity, I have plenty to work out between now and then. That’s the challenge, running my race without faltering, and without hesitation yielding to the still small voice of the Lord. My physical and mental capacity may be damaged because of CFS, my emotions may be in turmoil as I walk through bereavement, yet I will remain steadfast in my determination to seek his face and engage with Godly plans. In the meantime I’ll walk as far as my legs will take me, and then sit awhile to dream of things not yet passed, but worth pursuing.

Jeremiah 29:13-14 If you look for me wholeheartedly, you will find me. I will be found by you,” says the Lord. (NLT)

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