Some days everything is just
too much. And I really do need to meet with God. I had a horrible dream, in
which Jane was dying of cancer and I was crying out to the Lord with every
ounce of strength I could muster. Asking him to heal her and not to take her
away from me. I woke up totally exhausted from the effort involved, I was
totally ‘there’, and then as I gradually began to stir I recognised the reality
of today… yes the trauma of Jane’s passing is very much still with me. So it’s
no wonder that I struggle to find release from chronic fatigue syndrome. Stress
avoidance is my number one goal. But how do I deal with continual bad dreams?
Although today I barely have the energy to walk more than a hundred yards or so,
at least I have made it to a beautiful cliff top car park overlooking the
English Channel. I’m not a happy bunny though, for sure.
And yet… deep within my spirit,
hope remains. I am completely secure in my walk with God; my life is devoted to
serving and honouring him. But while I have no doubts about my destiny in
eternity, I have plenty to work out between now and then. That’s the challenge,
running my race without faltering, and without hesitation yielding to the still
small voice of the Lord. My physical and mental capacity may be damaged because
of CFS, my emotions may be in turmoil as I walk through bereavement, yet I will
remain steadfast in my determination to seek his face and engage with Godly
plans. In the meantime I’ll walk as far as my legs will take me, and then sit
awhile to dream of things not yet passed, but worth pursuing.
Jeremiah 29:13-14 ‘If
you look for me wholeheartedly, you will find me. I will
be found by you,” says the Lord. (NLT)
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