Thursday, September 20, 2012

A Rainy Day

Some days nothing feels right, the world is all upside down and I’m completely out of sorts. Maybe it’s just the weather, but I feel cold; more than that, deep within I feel almost useless. Ugh, I need to shake that one off somehow ‘cause I know it’s a lie come to take away my peace. I’ve felt really good for some days now, on a bit of a high; but still the cyclical nature of grief with the continuing rollercoaster ride of high emotion needs taming somehow. And yet I’m moving on for sure as it’s not so much missing Jane that’s my problem. I think I’ve cried my way through that one for long enough, ok there’s still some way to go… maybe there’ll always be space for at least a brief excursion into ‘tearland’; but tears of grief, sadness and all the rest of it are completely normal and actually very healthy. A gift from God to help us process loss. The shortest verse in the Bible, John 11:35 - ‘Jesus wept’ is a perfect example of how the Lord deals with bereavement. No my problem is the emptiness of my life without Jane. Even whilst on her cancer journey she completed two University degrees. Given her complete lack of academic history, leaving school at age 15, I found that wonderfully inspiring and it was a real privilege to share her success. Indeed we were so close it almost felt like my success. But it wasn’t, and she achieved far more than I ever have despite my start in life at an all boy grammar school. She introduced me to the world of academia, taking me to art galleries in New York, Paris and Barcelona as well as all over the UK. From her I learnt the basics of being an artist, gained an insight into psychotherapy and was shown how to be gentle and caring. She taught me how to be a good dad and a good husband… blessing me with 4 wonderful kids and now 4 beautiful grandkids. Her inheritance will bless me for the rest of my days.

So why do I feel down? My photo was taken when Jane was 51 years of age and in my judgement she was stunningly beautiful, refusing to relinquish youthful vigour. And yet her good looks were the very least of her qualities, she enriched my life in so many ways. I did not deserve her complete devotion for almost 40 years for sure and never, ever understood what she saw in me. I adored her and my love was always exclusively hers. She enriched and filled my life in every way.

So now I find it really hard being left to my own devices, limited by my own creativity and yes even my own 3 or 4 recipes. She was an amazing cook. I know the Lord can more than fill this gaping hole in my life, I know that I have opportunity to grow and become more me, more the person God created me to be. I know that my future will always be better than my past – even my earthly future… but it’s just today, I mean only today I’m having a day of feeling sorry for myself!

Romans 8:28 And we know that God causes everything to work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to his purpose for them.’ (NLT)

No comments: