Friday, September 07, 2012

Where Do I Belong

Some things will always remain a puzzle. At least until I get to heaven and start asking the right questions. Or not! Yes I suspect many of the concerns of this world may fade very quickly into history. For example this appears to be some sort of army landing craft, though I have no idea why it was anchored near the end of Deal pier. And it doesn’t obviously belong there. Maybe it was drawn by relatively easy access to the local ale, as has been the lure for many a vessel over the centuries, though they sure don’t need to wait for a favourable wind to head down the English Channel nowadays. And the space reserved for a battle tank or whatever seems to be taken up by a skip sized accommodation unit, so I don’t think Deal is under any threat of invasion today. Anyway I suppose Caesar was the last person to successfully lead his army ashore here… they say just along the prom in Walmer. That was a while ago. But I did enjoy a friendly debate with an older guy who joined me in my puzzling, and that passed the time of day quite nicely.

An ongoing theme of my life over the past year or so has been the subject of belonging. Everything feels out of sorts since I lost Jane, like nothing seems right anymore. I’m in some sort of limbo. Waiting. Dealing with all-consuming grief, managing heightened emotions and adjusting to my new reality demands extreme caution before making life changing decisions. Should I move house? Leave Derby? Start again in a totally different place… like Deal? Engaging with new life is unavoidable, the old has gone. Completely. I love my family and enjoy their company totally, I can’t imagine being separated from them for long at all. But I cannot live my life through them. No matter what their achievements, yes I’m well chuffed with them all; I need to live myself though. I need to re-engage with people and achieve stuff myself. I need a God encounter, these are things I can’t work out for myself. He will direct my path, set before me a doorway of opportunity and counsel with the greatest wisdom. Over the years I’ve enjoyed many meetings where something close to the revival power of God has been present. I’ve attended and occasionally worked in large Christian gatherings with very well-known leaders from across the globe. And yet… these past few days, and especially this morning as I sat alone outside my motorhome, I’ve met with the Lord in the most wonderful way. The sense of his presence was such that I could almost reach out into heaven itself. My whole being was filled with worship. My heart was bursting with the love of God. And I never want to live differently. I may not truly belong in this world but with God’s grace I will persevere, and take a hold of God purpose and God strength to complete my journey. I know where I really belong, in heaven! Just got some stuff to deal with first…

Deuteronomy 6:5 ‘And you must love the Lord your God with all your heart, all your soul, and all your strength.’ (NLT)


Fiona said...

Praise God, sounds like you had a good day. Amazing how so many people in the churches lately have "itchy feet" and God is moving them around. Maybe me. Maybe you. May God direct your path. Psalm 143:10.

David Paine said...

Hi... thanks and being honest I really, really really don't want to move church again. It's a tough deal, and I value the folk and the work of the church where I am enormously. BUT I have to honour the Lord and his leading, so yes maybe, though I expect only as part of any potential relocation. Big decision which involves far more than church for me. So I'm on a go slow.