Friday, October 26, 2012

Facing A Challenge

Today’s problem should be viewed as tomorrow’s success story. Unless you’re a young swan of course, though I have no idea if these are simply preening or ferreting out unwanted guests. Whatever, it’s seems to be a permanent way of life as they continually reach into every nook and cranny with their wonderfully flexible necks. So this past 17 months I gave myself permission to grieve the loss of my wonderful wife. More than that, I chose to prioritise my season of mourning over and above everything else. At times the pain was unbearable and the intensity such that I couldn't imagine ever being free again, but I knew that was exactly what I needed to do to recover. And I have. Not completely but substantially for sure. So engagement rather than avoiding reality is paying off. Indeed I've felt quite good just recently which is well encouraging, though not without suffering the occasional setback for a day or two. So one day this week I woke up feeling really quite happy and ready to face whatever the day brought my way. Except I wasn't,  as a small reminder that I'm still on a journey came crashing into my life. A letter from the hospice that I took an offering for at Jane’s funeral arrived in the post. Should not have been a problem as I owe them big time for what they gave me… a palliative care specialist nurse able to guide and provide for Jane’s massive medication needs on the night she died. She sat with us for an 8 hour shift in my home, for most of Jane’s final hours, and was wonderful in making her as comfortable as humanly possible. And she was, comfortable and totally at peace, though because of the drugs she was actually unconscious. Until she so slowly passed away into the loving and eternal presence of God, leaving myself and our four kids alone at the bedside. But what an awakening!

Anyway Jane is doing real good today and in general so am I. It’s just I can’t exactly cope very well with re-visiting the memories of that final night. I’m crying now. So, really sorry Treetops Hospice but any support I give will have to be in the future, as right now I have a total breakdown just thinking of that time. It’ll have to wait until I'm stronger. And I will be, for sure. Just not today, that’s all, ‘cause I need to do a bit more preening or ferreting to sort myself out first.

Luke 23:43 ‘And Jesus replied, “I assure you, today you will be with me in paradise’ (NLT)

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