10th June

It’s so tempting to simply tough it out or maybe just rest in the grace of God and ignore the grieving process. It would be much more convenient not having to keep getting upset… I keep having to dry puddles of tears off my laptop. Coping with bereavement is a very personal process and I suspect that those affected manage it in many different ways, for me I choose to try and keep busy as a distraction and then when the tears come, and they do, I simply let them wherever I am and whatever I’m doing. Be it shopping in Sainsbury’s or working on my computer when you’ve got to cry you’ve got to cry.

And I have to trust that in engaging with the process of grief it will one day evolve into the pleasure of simply remembering Jane with grateful affection rather than the present heart-breaking sense of loss. And it’s far more than just Jane that I’ve lost. She was my whole life. I did nothing without considering her needs and I used to hate it when she was in hospital; it was incredibly stressful for us both, but I used to love being there with her. I spent countless hours sat by her bed, often simply holding hands and saying very little. My most treasured memories this year were of the times when I was able to take her off the hospital ward onto the balcony or down the corridor to the little garden. I know that she’s far better off now. But I’m not. And I don’t know what to do with my life, except cry and it’s horrible.

So I’ve been wandering around the internet looking at widow/widower forums and blogs… mostly Christian and it’s quite helpful seeing how others manage their loss and knowing that I’m not alone in how I feel. But I know the Lord still has plans for my life and pleasing him remains my sole purpose as I walk into the future… whatever it holds for me. And he will restore his joy to my life I know.

Matthew 6:33 ‘Seek the Kingdom of God above all else, and live righteously, and he will give you everything you need.’ (NLT)