17th June

It all feels a little unreal at the moment. And I really don’t feel myself, although I suppose that’s partly because my life is so radically different compared with a month ago. I know that as I walk with the Lord my future is secure, my life will have purpose and he will fill me with his peace and joy once again. But right now I feel pretty grotty and rather unclear about what to do with myself as everything’s a bit muddled. It seems that all the important things I’ve worked at and been responsible for over many years no longer need my attention. Jane’s with the Lord, my kids are all grown up and they together with my grand-children are really looking after me rather than the other way round. I’m too ill to work either in the workplace or even in voluntary work such as in the church other than in a very ad-hoc way. And anyway the mature skills I’ve developed in the financial world, music and leadership have no real openings that I can see and that does feel a bit of a waste of experience. Oh dear I am getting a bit down aren’t I?

At least there are no major decisions to be made at the moment and I only have myself to please so things couldn’t be any easier… or tougher. Although thinking back they certainly were an awful lot tougher last month.

There’s a Bible verse I often think about which says something like ‘Delight yourself in the Lord and he will give you the desires of your heart.’ At times like this though I reckon I have to be careful of listening to my heart too much. My heart is broken. So I suppose that this is really a time to simply grit my teeth and simply get on with doing the right thing even if I don’t feel like it. I’m determined to live as normally as possible despite the challenges of being a single person again… is a widower a single or a completely separate breed of person? It doesn’t feel like I fit anymore. I don’t like it as marriage was by far and away the most successful part of my life, although I do enjoy being a dad and continue to have special relationships with all my kids. Church remains important but I have to admit I find it quite challenging wondering how I fit in now.

I’ve started a version of the Bible I’ve never read before and it seems nicely written and engaging in a new way. I’ve been using the New Living Translation for the past few years and thought it the best yet but when I looked for a download to my Kindle it was rather expensive. Anyway the Holman Christian Standard Bible was a free e-book on Amazon and so far it feels very similar and very usable as a devotional aid in an electronic format. Speak Lord speak… through you word oh Lord stir my faith once again. Open my eyes that I might see Jesus. Help me to turn aside from all that does not please you, help me to embrace Godly life and Godly purpose. Have mercy my God, have mercy.

Colossians 1:23 ‘…continue in your faith, established and firm, and do not move from the hope held out in the gospel.’ (NIV)