20th June

It’s been a much better day today, although I’ve spent the whole day on my own… maybe that helps? I certainly wouldn’t want to be alone all the time, but I suppose it gives me time to get my thoughts in order. So then, the day started off quite nicely with the usual chores and then a trip to Sainsbury’s, which was pretty much all right as I had my head-phones turned up high playing a Robin Mark album. But I did have a little moment entering the store as I walked past the flowers and realised that romance was now history in my life. My lover has no need of my flowers any more.

Back home the post was waiting and there was a somewhat delayed letter from Jane’s consultant oncologist in Nottingham offering his condolences. He’s a great doctor and a very nice man, we got on well with him and his letter was really encouraging saying how Jane had fought hard and how the team had been impressed with how she’d always maintained her dignity. It probably sounds odd but I have some good memories of the time we spent at Nottingham City Hospital, he for example always encouraged and helped Jane to make her own decisions in her own time and then supported her; he never pushed his own agenda. He even allowed us into his own personal world sharing his journey into becoming a dad and eventually showing us pictures of his new-born child. And his clinical trials assistant would delight Jane with updates on the adventures of the dog she owned. Even not going there again makes me feel sad and we did fight so very hard for Jane’s life. Indeed I don’t believe we left a stone unturned… we did everything we possibly could.

So eventually the Robin Mark album went around one time too many and it was time for the blues ZZ Top style! And I actually began to feel almost cheerful so decided to start organising Jane’s art studio which turned out to be most enjoyable. She has so much work in lots of different styles and media and I reckon I have sufficient to decorate my walls with regular changing displays for many years. She liked to explore different artist’s styles and so I have my pick of her work looking a bit like Picasso, Degas, Renoir, Rousseau and Rothko just for starters. And she has a lot of drawings that I could perhaps mount in some way as well. I found it quite exciting looking through her work. Maybe I should get my own beginner’s art stuff out again, I may not have Jane’s gift but I used to find creating art quite therapeutic.

1 Peter 4:10 ‘God has given each of you a gift from his great variety of spiritual gifts. Use them well to serve one another. (NLT)