11th June

I feel quite encouraged today. After a good night’s sleep I tackled the daily chores and then went shopping, so it was around mid-morning, back home, that I opened the latest in the steady trickle of ‘we’re thinking of you’ cards. And the tears finally came on this new day. Don’t get me wrong, I really value receiving these cards as they’re incredibly encouraging and it’s wonderful knowing that so many are standing with us at this challenging time. But the reminder that Jane is no longer with me, and in this life never can be, touches my heart one my time and gives it a little tug. Emotions are so very raw at the moment though I reckon they’re beginning to heal just a little… tear-free until mid-morning is a new record!

This afternoon I managed another walk around the grounds of Kedleston Hall; years ago I discovered that for me the best way to spend time praying was whilst walking and I’ve missed not being able to walk as much as I used to for that very reason. I love being outdoors in the countryside where the stress of life fades away and that has to be beneficial as an M.E. sufferer. But any stress at all and Chronic Fatigue raises it’s ugly head making normal life including walking so very challenging. At least there are regular benches to take advantage of when needed and as I sat looking over the fields the tears began to flow again. When I first met Jane we would spend hours driving and walking in the countryside and especially in more recent years as the kids left home we loved to holiday on campsites… albeit in a modern motorhome. I remember the first time we talked of the love we had for one another was on a walk across Darley Park with the river on one side and the open meadow on the other. And that love never failed; indeed it grew stronger with every passing year.

So, back to my prayer time this afternoon, I believe that as we seek the Lord he will meet us at our point of need and I reckon he did. Again. I wasn’t particularly articulating any prayers, just reaching out to God, not even asking him to speak. But I believe he did, and he showed me something that in one sense is very challenging but also enlightening. Jane died prematurely, that’s obvious, but I have to believe that the days of her life were counted by the Lord and she fulfilled all that he had for her in this life. Her suffering under grace was part of that fulfilment… I don’t pretend to understand that but it was certainly part of the call upon her life. And she received an early reward for it. Anyway, thinking of me now it struck me that my life has a totally different direction, unwanted, unasked for but nonetheless it can never be the same. So I’m thinking perhaps there are things to be achieved for the Lord in the future that could never have been done if Jane were still with me sharing my life. I have freedom to make my own decisions; I have almost no responsibilities for others and can basically do whatever I want. And all I want is to please God; to follow the example of the life lived by the Lord Jesus Christ… maybe I’m overdue for re-reading one of the gospels to remind me of how special that life was?

Philippians 4:19 ‘And this same God who takes care of me will supply all your needs from his glorious riches, which have been given to us in Christ Jesus.’ (NLT)