14th December

So then, today worked quite well as a ‘day of rest’. I’ve not needed any painkillers and I don’t feel too bad at all. So I’m pointing in the right direction for sure. Oh yes, no tears either! What a day… a bit boring though, but you can’t have everything, can you? The biggest challenge has to be in controlling what I allow myself to think about, so for example I woke up this morning having been dreaming about Jane’s final few hours. Except in my dream world it was all very different from the actual event, and I was trying to work out how to say goodbye, how to use that final time together. The reality was that we both ignored the fact that Jane was dying and focussed purely upon her living to the max as best as she could. That meant no will, no funeral arrangements and no final goodbyes. We simply prayed for God’s mercy and worked hard on Jane’s comfort levels. She even bought a whole new set of clothes online just the month before she passed and enjoyed wearing them. But anyway in writing this I’ve just spent more time thinking upon Jane than I’ve allowed myself all day. When I woke up after dreaming I simply sat on the side of my bed – I still can’t get out on Jane’s side even if it means a long walk around – and as I felt the gush of tears beginning to rise up I started talking to myself, ‘No! I can’t do this, I will not cry, I will not even think about Jane. I cannot allow myself to become ill through getting upset’. And strange as it may seem I even started to apologise for not crying, which is just plain daft. But it worked, I stopped crying and have had no other problem all day. So that is good.

Of course Jane is worth more than a few tears, but today she’s in glory and well content with her new life. So tears should be more about my loss than Jane’s suffering, which has now finished. So I have to stop looking back, nothing can be changed about the past. And I have no regrets anyway; I would change nothing that happened. As horrible and traumatic as that final period of Jane’s life was (for me), in one sense it was complete. Nothing was left undone that should or could have been done. I am ‘content’… still a little traumatised but basically at peace. Anyway for sure Jane ‘misses’ us all, but living in the perfect presence of God in the paradise of heaven more than compensates for any leaning towards sadness. And she of course will have the total assurance that ‘all is well’! Everything is under God’s complete control, nothing escapes his attention and no detail of life is too small for his concern. For me that has to be a statement of faith. Today, for Jane, it is an actual reality. I know I’m repeating myself, but sometimes you have to affirm truth over and over again in order for it to truly sink in. Belief can sometimes be at odds with our feelings. Confession of faith is good and I ‘know’ beyond a shadow of doubt that all is well with my soul; it’s just that sometimes I ‘feel’ a little broken. I need mending…

1 Peter 1:6-9 ‘So be truly glad. There is wonderful joy ahead, even though you have to endure many trials for a little while. These trials will show that your faith is genuine. It is being tested as fire tests and purifies gold—though your faith is far more precious than mere gold. So when your faith remains strong through many trials, it will bring you much praise and glory and honour on the day when Jesus Christ is revealed to the whole world. You love him even though you have never seen him. Though you do not see him now, you trust him; and you rejoice with a glorious, inexpressible joy. The reward for trusting him will be the salvation of your souls.’ (NLT)