15th December

Original posting on Flickr as Chitty Chitty Bang Bang using a Creative Commons Licence.

Today has not been at all easy. I’ve just about managed to avoid the tears, though I came close whilst in the supermarket this afternoon. That should help with M.E. and in that regard I don’t feel too bad. It’s just the emptiness, a sort of hollowed out feeling that makes me feel quite horrible. The phrase ‘completely bereft’ comes to mind. Several times during the night I woke, sensing that Jane was lying beside me, and then remembered my new reality. My life feels like a really bad dream, totally unreal, completely unwelcome and devoid of any semblance of normality. I hate it… not all of it of course, but certainly in general terms it doesn’t fit who I am at all. I’m the guy who’s loved his wife for 40 years and been perfectly happy building a home and family since she was 17 and I was 19. I cannot grasp the new reality of being single, or should I say I don’t want to take hold of it. I will, of course as life is a precious gift from God and I should value every minute of every day.

But at the moment nothing seems to make much sense and I really don’t know what I should be doing. It’s a bit like a kid’s painting by numbers kit; I have lots of different compartments in my life to fill in, the instructions are clear, I know what I need to do at any particular moment, and I can fill in each event with whatever is necessary. It’s just that there is no spark of originality, no real sense of creativity; it’s all been done before. I’m just going through the motions and my heart is not really in it. Somehow I will persevere, and in God’s strength I will prevail, I will have the victory over this thing called grief. It will not rob me of my future… that is in God’s hands and his alone. These last six months have been horrible, and today is no different. But I have to hope that tomorrow will be different, and better, and that something good will come along and change my focus. And if when tomorrow comes things are no different, then it will definitely be the day after when I gain that first toehold on the journey to a new life. And I will welcome that for sure. This season of grieving is very necessary; the outcry of grief has to be loud as I will store nothing up. Now is the time for mourning, sometime next year I plan on embracing joy and a new life. Don’t know how yet, but I do know that I will not remain as I am forever.

And I have had a nice time this evening. I’m child minding in Loughborough at the moment and that means fun with my younger grandkids. So I’ve been reading storybooks before making up an imaginary treasure hunt in their pasta-bake, which they then scoffed without delay. And of course the family video choice – they don’t have broadcast TV -  the first twenty minutes of Chitty Chitty Bang Bang! Anyone else remember the Toot Sweet song? So then it was bedtime and I don’t get to see the rest of the movie, and now I’ll not get to know what happens to the derelict old racing car about to be sent to the crusher…

Lamentations 3:25 ‘The LORD is good to those whose hope is in him, to the one who seeks him’ (NIV)