9th December

Well today I had to rest… sort of. Because the decorating project is always somewhat stressful I decided to have a break today. Just to be on the safe side really as I don’t want an M.E. relapse now I’m doing so well, and though decorating would not normally be a problem, my life right now is not normal. But I am a little disappointed that I couldn’t make progress today, I keep thinking one good push and it’ll be finished. Years ago the whole project would have taken no more than two or three days. So then the next item on the job list is to mount a new cabinet on the wall and I really couldn’t face the concentration need to mark up, and then get my hammer drill out for the fixings. I’ve learnt to listen to my body; I wouldn’t exactly call it a panic attack but certainly something rises up inside to deter me from continuing. Many times I have to carry on anyway and that produces pay back a day or two later in the way of a more serious relapse. M.E. cannot simply be ignored. But today I had a choice and made it. I went swimming instead, and managed my normal 20 lengths with no problem at all. Conclusion: avoid the over-stressful activity, engage with the relaxing though still physical one and live to work another day. Chronic Fatigue Syndrome is a minefield waiting to blow up in your face if activity levels are not carefully controlled. Anyway, I still feel ‘good’ so maybe a weekend off will suffice and then I’ll get started again.

I went shopping this afternoon and left feeling a little guilty. The checkout person was wonderfully cheerful and obviously in a good mood. But she made the mistake of asking if I’d had a really good day as well… and for a while I couldn’t answer, I didn’t know what to say without being dishonest. It felt impolite to ignore her so I actually apologised and then made the confession that no day was that good anymore and explained why. She was completely sympathetic, but I still felt bad. I so want my life to be good news to everyone I meet and, for sure, one day things will change. Not today though. Maybe tomorrow; and ignoring only slightly moist eyes I haven’t cried about losing Jane today, not yet anyway. I had a bit of a moan to myself at one point though and that seemed to help. I just can’t do Christmas, I really, really can’t… but somehow I will, at least with my kids. And my grandkids guarantee some fun don’t they? They do not deserve a misery guts grandad and I’ll make sure they never get one.

Romans 5:3-4 ‘We can rejoice, too, when we run into problems and trials, for we know that they help us develop endurance. And endurance develops strength of character, and character strengthens our confident hope of salvation.’ (NLT)