28th December

Warning - Not For the Squeamish!

I keep telling myself I have to stop thinking about Jane all the time. It’s just not helpful or very healthy and this evening bordered upon dangerous. So come teatime I was given free rein to cook anything I wanted by my son, who was really tired after his first day back at work, and very hungry. So then, let’s make the last curry of the year, a new recipe for Balti which I can’t remember making previously.  Well the leeks are looking rather tired so they need binning and my son won’t eat mushrooms, so that means onions are the only fresh veg he’ll have. Ok let’s do that, and I’ll add my mushrooms at the end. Chop, chop, chop… I can remember it was exactly three years ago that Jane spent 5 days in hospital having a second chemotherapy cycle. Very toxic, twice a day over four days plus recovery time to ensure her bladder lining wasn't too damaged. A horrible, though potentially life-extending, way to spend the New Year. She went home, caught the flu, her inner bowel then ruptured with the most intense pain, and basically she could have died. But didn’t, not then. She was tough and very fit. Anyway I was really thinking of the lovely nurse who regularly sat with Jane to sort out her infusions over a 4 month period. She gave Jane lots of time and was wonderfully gentle and very friendly. But the pair of them did rib me a little about my non-cooking skills, until one day I was able to announce that I’d made a curry. And I remember chopping onions, probably for my very first time on that occasion. But all of a sudden, back to this evening’s events, I heard an unwelcome crunching sound, though I felt absolutely nothing. Yes my sharpest knife had somehow decided that onion was not enough of a challenge and needed to attack my thumbnail. Yes it did draw blood but, not too much, though my nail has been cut right through, and fortunately, so far it’s completely pain free. I think I escaped this time. But it could easily have meant a trip to casualty, though actually I think I’m doing quite well as I remember Jane having a permanent assortment of either cuts or blisters on her hands. And don’t TV chefs always have a blue sticking plaster on one of their fingers to ‘prove’ they’ve really been preparing food?  

Yesterday was supposed to be my day of rest and recovery from the busyness of Christmas but today I needed to do even less. I’m back in the land of headaches, which are an indicator of more severe M.E. for me. Some years, like the last one, they last for months but now that I have more personal freedom – not that I want it – I’m quite optimistic of regaining some sort of equilibrium. I need to find ways of relaxing my mind by avoiding stress and over-activity for a while. Let’s find some nice peaceful things to do if I can. If the weather would lighten up I could start my walks again, though I’d rather wait until the schools are back before I go swimming. And I’m quite hopeful of an early camping holiday in the next week or two. We’ll see. I have computer games to play and that’s fine for a while. But not all the time. I really need to open my front door and go meet the world again. I’d love to find some new friends and engage in some sort of social life but don’t know how to start. Everyone I know is married and I feel rather uncomfortable in a group of couples. I’m quite happy meeting with folk who are married in a one to one situation, it’s just when everyone’s out as a couple, and I’m not. So where are the middle aged ‘singles’ of my peer group? I’ve absolutely no idea…

It’s interesting how the Lord sometimes repeats himself to emphasise a point. Maybe he actually means what he says?

John 14:13-14 ‘You can ask for anything in my name, and I will do it, so that the Son can bring glory to the Father. Yes, ask me for anything in my name, and I will do it!’ (NLT)